Rock Band VR Next Best Thing To Having Actual Shitty Band

May 12, 2017

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Why only suck at music in real life when you can suck at it in VR, too?

The ultimate party game is back, in VR form! Harmonix has recently released the latest entry in its hugely popular Rock Band franchise that you’ll quickly tire of after a couple months once you realize you’re thirty four years old and have a pile of plastic toy instruments in your living room.

Tim Bindle, Harmonix Marketing Lead, says “Rock Band and Oculus are a match made in heaven! Gamers can experience the most realistic depiction of being in a shitty band ever created: hours spent in a dark room working on perfecting pointless minutiae that only you will appreciate, while your relationships wither around you because all you want to talk about is your new favorite string gauge. The isolation and discomfort of using an Oculus headset perfectly mirrors the ennui of writing and rehearsing original material, plus the friendly, candy-colored game graphics help to fuel that persistent childlike delusion that people will show up to cheer you on, no matter what 90s pop-punk band you stole your style from.”

“This is the SECOND chorus, THE SECOND ONE!” –a virtual band member sick of your shit

27 yr old Jed Fischer, Subway Sandwich Artist, received a copy on launch day and has been playing it every day since. “I have a couple friends in gigging bands and they’ve all said my apartment feels like a real practice space now: the embedded body odor, fast food bags, lack of daylight, matted carpet… it’s all there. I always wanted to join a band so this has been an incredibly lifelike experience for me; I can feel my youth slowly draining away on a fruitless endeavor that nobody will give a shit about. It’s awesome!”

In addition to boasting Bluetooth compatibility, live streaming via Twitch and looking like a total wiener with that goofy contraption strapped to your skull, Rock Band VR has added another layer of realism with ten new ‘Rock Star Moves’ you can execute while you play:

Check Bank Account: find out exactly how much money you’re losing on new effect pedals each week. [Press O] to realize you won’t make rent this month because Earthquaker released something called the Orc Fart.
Pushy Friend: he really, really would like you to use his lyrics in a song sometime, and oh by the way did you get his latest Facebook message? [Press B] to duck behind the huge dude at the bar with the Tsjuder back patch.
Lead Singer Syndrome: The venue manager says you gotta cut two songs, maybe three. [Press → → ← ← ] to insult him from the stage because you don’t alter your message for anyo…*mic turned off*
Where’s The Drummer?: when you’re going on in two minutes and nobody has seen Jeremy for an hour, [Press Δ Repeatedly] to frantically text him while checking the nearest Steak & Shake.
Hello Darkness: you can’t see your pedalboard through the glare of the spotlight. [Press L1 + Look Down] to awkwardly switch on every effect except the one you need.
Scummy Randos: a leathery dude in a faded Jimmy Buffett hat is hanging around the loading door, asking if you guys need help watching your stuff and if he can bum a smoke. [Raise Hand] to indicate that guy over there *points vaguely* might have one for him.
Breakdown!: Kevin’s F-150 is dead. Again. Can your sedan fit him, his amp, his girlfriend and that big box of stuff your mom gave you? [Rotate Joystick] to pepper the drive with passive-aggressive comments.
Roadie Rage: your freshman year college roommate and his brother aren’t exactly pros at moving expensive gear. [Press X + O] to lose your goddamned mind when they drop your macbook.
Shirt Stained: the illustrator you found on Craigslist turned your logo idea into wet shit and your merch ends up in a Toilet Ov Hell article. [Press Δ → ↑← ↓] to complain about it on ReverbNation.
Flip Fail: Blur the line between fantasy and reality! [Throw Guitar] to botch a spontaneous guitar flip in the game, and also break the controller against your ceiling fan in real life.