Shirt Stains: Flushroomhead
Flush! Flush! I had a bad day!
Some of you may know Mushroomhead from their song “Solitaire Unraveling“. Others may know them as the band that wrote a song about having a bad day. Still, others may just know them from their “feud” with Slipknot that boils down to “We wore stupid masks and jumpsuits first!” “Oh, yeah? Well we had unnecessary percussionists before you did! “Nu uh!” “Yah huh!” and so on.
While both bands do enjoy a heavy dosage of overlapping gimmicks and giant rosters, I would venture to say that Mushroomhead takes more risks and go their own way. Roadrunner Records first approached Mushroomhead with a deal before Slipknot. To their credit, Mushroomhead told Roadrunner to take a hike, something other bands wish they had also done. I can’t quite see Slipknot doing a song like this. Or this for that matter. They pretty much stick with what they’ve been doing for the past 15 years. No trend-hopping for Mushroomhead (unless you count their guitarist Church‘s old look when he was in the underrated metalcore band The Autumn Offering). Of course, going your own way doesn’t necessarily equal dollar signs, as Slipknot is still raking in the chain-wallet dough and Mushroomhead is touring with bands like hed (pe) and Twiztid.
Regardless of feelings towards the band’s music, it is pretty impressive that Mushroomhead is still going with so many member changes. I mean, how can you continue when you lose a member named Pig Benis? They still manage to sell some records, landing on various charts with the release of each new album, so there is still an audience out there. Hopefully that audience doesn’t see any of these shirts.
The Mushroomhead logo is actually kind of cool. The double X eyes and pointy smiley mouth works, and it’s easily identifiable. Prior to having individual masks, each band member (sans the vocalists) each wore the same mask with the logo on it. On top of that, they have armbands and vests with the logo on it. That’s a marketing major’s wet dream. There is such a thing as overkill, though as we can see by this shirt. A giant one on the front, plus one on each sleeve. I can only assume that the back has more X’s on it than a Thai porn shop. Throw in the band name twice (technically 3 times since the bottom one kind of repeats itself) and you’ve got enough messaging to make Joe Camel hack up some black stuff in approval.
If this all wasn’t bad enough, the shirt has more red on it than a tomato coming home from a ketchup orgy. Communists think this shirt is overdoing it. This is what it looks like when you’ve had too much Snozzberry Schnapps and have to yack it up all over someone’s couch. No amount of Clear Eyes would be able to clean that shirt. Carrot Top will now need to change his name to Mushroomhead Top. This shirt can be used as a replacement for stop signs in cash-strapped areas. If you ever go to a big fest, wear this shirt so your friends can find you. You’ll be the one next to everyone shading their eyes.
I think this may actually be the first work shirt ever on Shirt Stains. I think it’s a work shirt, judging by the collar. That or it’s a turtleneck that quit. Either way, congratulations Mushroomhead! You managed to ruin a perfectly good work shirt with this Invader Zim rip-off. Only 2 members of Mushroomhead get the “mature” comic book treatment, vocalists Jeffrey Nothing and Waylon. I’ll just assume that the rest of the band thought better of themselves.
I’m not an artist, so I definitely can’t do any better, but this doesn’t look quite finished. Just like the turtleneck that put in a half-day at work, the colors don’t look completely filled in, like it was taken from a sketch pad and machine gun-blasted to the printer. Are they supposed to be super heroes? Super villians? Why does Jeffrey Nothing have fruit punch mouth? Is his missing his arm? Why are his fingers pointy? Why does Waylon have red-covered knives? Is he going to use them to cut up Mountain Dew bottles? Did he just slice some red velvet cake? I hope he brought enough for everyone. Plenty of milk too.
Back in 2009, Mushroomhead added percussionist Lil Dan because…well, I’m not really sure. Maybe they just wanted to mess with people still comparing them to Slipknot. Seems kind of unnecessary when they already have a drummer, keyboardist, and sampler. In their defense, though, it does look pretty cool live. Twirly! Splashy! The band has released shirts for individual members before and Lil Dan managed to twirly splash his way onto some merch. It must’ve been a banner year at the Lil Dan house when they unveiled this edgy number. There’s just something so, I don’t know, 90’s about having a shirt with someone giving the finger. It’s no longer shocking or offensive, just dated and silly. I suppose in the grand scheme of Shirt Stains, the shirt itself isn’t too terrible. It’s really just a picture of a guy, nothing strange about it, and while there is some try-too-hard edginess, it’s not like they went over-the-top…
Aw, come on. Fuck me, Mushroomhead? No, no, no my good Sirs. It is you who are the ones who shalt be henceforth fucked upon. In writing now and by affidavit later.
Cartoonhead (Hmmm, that doesn’t sound right)
I’d like to apologize to the Comic Book shirt above. You are nowhere near as terri-bad as this shirt right here. This shirt puts sugar on hamburgers. This shirt has a Kylie Jenner tattoo. This shirt always empties out the Take-A-Penny holder. This shirt posts graphic photos on Facebook. This shirt uses your shirt as a napkin. This shirt likes Adam Sandler’s later movies. This shirt offers to give you a ride to Maryland Deathfest knowing that it won’t have a car that weekend. This shirt has said “Kid Rock makes a good point.” This shirt keeps trying to put you in MMA choke holds even though you clearly told it to fucking stop already. This shirt melts steel beams.
Wha…I…that…huh? It’s rare that a shirt can actually befuddle me, but there you go. A laughing alligator/crocodile head on top of a woman’s body. It appears to be laughing, possibly at this funny little thing called “life”. Maybe it’s thinking of a joke it heard on Inside Amy Schumer that wasn’t actually funny but made a good point. Maybe it’s just choking on a peach pit and is gasping for air. Any of these are acceptable.
What does this have to do with Mushroomhead? Damned if I know. This would actually be a nice shirt if it wasn’t for this crime against nature. Perhaps this shirt comes from the future as warning that man should not breed with reptiles and amphibians. Wait. Maybe it’s a warning from the present, telling us that Lizard People walk amongst us, learning our ways and mimicking us until the Day Of The Lizard is upon us when they finally strike. You’re not safe! No one is safe! Lift up all the rocks on the ground so they can’t cool themselves! Hurry before it’s too late!