Spread this shirt out! Side-to-side! Front-to-back! No one standing still!

The New England Metal & Hardcore Fest is just a few weeks away. Much like the 17-25 year olds that will be making up the majority of those in attendance, the band announcements started off with a bang and then quickly went limp. What once was a big destination for metalcore, hardcore, and the occasional death metal band has now become just another date for a few tours, padded out with a bunch of locals that have to sell tickets. On top of that, the fest is once again having Battle Of The Band competitions for other local bands to play on the show. It’s going to be a huge thrill to play at 3:15 on a Saturday afternoon. Regardless, there will be many squealies, breakdowns, yelling verses, clean choruses, and hundreds of spinkicks. Strap on your mosh shorts and get ready to point your finger in the air. Just don’t wear any of these metalcore band shirts if you want to avoid starting shit in the pit.

I Killed The Prom Queen – You’ve got pink on you.

Ah, fuck! My eyes! Kill it! Kill it with ammonia-soaked hammers! It hurts on so many levels, like sitting on a cactus while riding a bumpy escalator. I Killed The Prom Queen is a metalcore band from Australia. I first came across them while at Hellfest (US version) in 2004. They were a late addition, and I saw hastily written notes saying they were playing on one of the stages. Even back then, I thought the name was incredibly cliché and just plain silly so I didn’t bother to watch them. I think I made the right decision.

This shirt is an exact replica of your insides after a trip to the KFC/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut on the other side of town. Organs all pink and yellowish, bloated and distorted like Ted Cruz’s turkey neck. Is that a stomach at the top or just one giant pink peanut. Did they eat the tiara before or after the KenTacoHut smorgasbord? Is it really tiny or is everything just gigantic? Maybe the back will be better.

NOPE! They just had to have a disembodied eye instead of the letter “I”. This shirt is a bootable offense.

Bleeding Through – Love Lost In A Hail Of Ding

For a brief time, Orange County, California was cranking out metalcore bands. That might have been a response to how the wealthy community sharted out a bunch of punk and later pop punk bands as well. Avenged Sevenfold, Atreyu, Throwdown, Eighteen Visions, Scars of Tomorrow, Cold War and more all came out of the wealthy California suburbs. One of the biggest bands of that era was Bleeding Through. Ozzfest, Warped Tour, opening for Slayer, and a whole bunch of US and international festivals. The band called it quits in 2014, but we have this lolzy shirt to remember them by.

BLEE. It’s simple, but it sends a powerful message. DING. We can all agree that we’ve all felt a little “ding” at least once in our lives. THR(inverted pentagram). This is a bit risque, but it proves individualism and the rejection of social norms. UGH. That says it all, doesn’t it? Also, this shirt looks like an “I’m A Paul Heyman Guy” shirt.

Atreyu – Blood Geyser

 

Speaking of Orange County metalcore bands, here’s a shirt from Atreyu. I’m still sad that they never did a split with a band called Falcor. They could have battled The Nothing and used the proceeds to help weird kids fight bullies. Or they could have traumatized a generation of children by singing about Artax drowning in the Swamp of Sadness. Poor Artax. I… sorry, I just need a minute… deep breaths… count to 10. Sigh.

Anyway, here is a really bad Atreyu shirt. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this is a bad bootleg, since it looks like a real half-assed cut-and-paste job. Also, because it looks like that dust cloud just ate a bunch of Chipolte and is now shitting blood like a reverse Old Faithful. Plenty of people on this here site will say that this is how Atreyu’s music makes them feel, but I hope the band would have enough sense not to approve a shirt like this. If anything, the blame should go to Victory Records, who made this the cover art for their The Best of Atreyu album. Atreyu signed to Hollywood Records, and Victory put this out to complete contractual obligations and to continue their streak of being shitty to their bands.

Killswitch Engage – ManBearPig Engage

I recently reviewed Killswitch Engage’s latest album Incarnate so you know I like the band. Whenever you like something, you give it a bit of leniency when it fucks up. That show you love had a string of shitty episodes? That’s okay, because it’ll get better. That book has a weird plot twist? No biggie, it is only a minor thing that doesn’t detract from the main story. While they may be one of my favorite bands, it is too difficult to ignore this crudtastic shirt.

I think that’s supposed to be a blue ManBearPig, but it could easily be a SnakeBearPanther. It could aslo be a CougarWormPanda. Whatever it is, it’s bad. It’s ugly and confusing and I hate it. It makes less sense than giving the Kardashians multiple television shows. Why is there a gigantic closeup of a colon behind it? That’s a halo no angel wants. The band didn’t even want their name on it since it’s clearly off to the side, diagonal, and slightly covered by those worm thingies. Killswitch Engage has a wacky sense of humor. It’s not for everyone, but you can understand when they’re just being silly. This shirt is not trying to be funny, at least I hope not.

Shadows Fall – Set Faces To “Cringe”

Okay, so Shadows Fall doesn’t necessarily fit into the metalcore category, but it’s close enough. I remember seeing this shirt in Hot Topic about a decade ago. It’s perfect for the angry tough-guy teenager who hates everything, especially you, mom and dad! I don’t know what hurts more, the eye rolling when seeing this shirt or the face-scrunching. It’s supposed to shit on emo and ends up embarrassing metal.

On top of that terrible, terrible slogan, the picture isn’t even that good. It is half-finished, as if the artist realized the folly of his/her ways and quit to join a monastery. Why does one of the angels look like Edgar Allan Poe? Did the author of The Conqueror Worm and Ligeia listen to Sunny Day Real Estate and The Get Up Kids in his spare time? Those angels better be smoking harmless tobacco! Lousy degenerate metalcore angels!