Shirt Stains: I Have The Power Metal
Your power metal is no match for my glower metal.
Is there anything else that can be said about power metal that hasn’t already been said? There is some middle ground, but for the most part, people either love it or hate it. Maybe it’s the soaring melodies or the focus on the fantastic (aka dragon-fucking). There are plenty of subgenres in the overall power metal scene: symphonic, gothic, power-prog, dork metal. The list goes on and on. All are equal in the unblinking eye of Shirt Stains. None shall be spared. Burn the crops, take the livestock, hit up the women on Tinder.
Epica, better known as “The band that isn’t Nightwish” is a female-fronted power/gothic metal band from The Netherlands. They’re a perfectly serviceable band for those that enjoy a good corset every now and then. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is this incredibly bland shirt. Chef Gordon Ramsey would send this back to the kitchen, followed by a slew of f-bombs, s-bombs, and various other pieces of artillery. I try to give shirts that use album art a pass, but this is just so…so…meh.
When you hear the name “Epica” do you picture a whole lake of pale grays? Do you picture a bald lady holding a welder’s mask? Bullshit, you do not! Power metal has the tendency to go over-the-top with its imagery. This shirt manages to limbo underneath that bar with room to spare. I’m not even quite sure how this picture fits in with the album title. I would assume that welders could not be indifferent due to the risks of their job. Hmmm…maybe that’s why she’s bald. She was too indifferent, some sparks landed in her hair, and she went up like Michael Jackson in a Pepsi commercial. That probably would’ve made a better shirt actually.
Wait, this is a Hammerfall shirt? The same Hammerfall that wrote the rip-roaring anthem “Hearts On Fire”? The same Hammerfall that did a commercial for a Swedish auto shop? Are we sure there isn’t like a sludge band from Seattle featuring three guys with bong water-soaked beards also named Hammerfall? Then why is this shirt the equivalent of a Ritalin smoothie made in the basement of your local glue sniffer? It’s like they took a look at that Epica shirt and said, “We can be waaaaaay lazier than that.”
This shirt looks like it was made in Final Cut Amateur. It looks like an unfinished deviant art jpeg and someone cut-and-pasted the Hammerfall logo on top of it. What does a hand have to do with Hammerfall? Do they want people to high-five their fans in the chest? What’s behind the hand? An old keyboard? Why are there bullet holes on the shirt? The weird thing is that it looks like on the inside of the bottom hole is a different color. Does that mean that the shirt is actually a piece of glass covering up a better shirt underneath? Someone call M. Night Shyamalan for this twist ending!
Oh, dear. Shield the eyes of the children around you so they don’t see this inappropriate t-shirt. At least I think it’s inappropriate. I’m not really sure. I think there’s some naked things on it. Maybe. Zooming in doesn’t help. It looks like the one on the right is sucking on the other thing’s shoulder. Believe it or not, that is actually how menanists say hello to each other. Tip of the fedora, suck of the shoulder. Reminds me of the “suck my jaggon” scene from South Park. I suppose it does go with Kamelot’s theme of crappy science fiction sooooooo…congratulations?
This shirt is what Sarah Palin sees when she closes her eyes. This shirt drove M.C. Escher mad. This shirt taught Hulk Hogan his views on race. This shirt qualifies as a form of contraception. This shirt’s favorite comedy is “Salo or the 120 Days Of Sodom”. This shirt gives you Crocs tan lines. This shirt scatters Lego pieces on the floor while you’re asleep so that you step on them when you get up in the morning.
Rhapsody has always been a S-A-W-F-T power metal band, stretching the definition of both power and metal. I’m actually a little disappointed that this hoodie doesn’t convert into a pillow for optimal Rhapsody listening. At a quick glance, one might think that this is a good design, but when you look closer, it’s not that great. I’ve grown very tired of the orange/blue trend that’s not only in art, but movies as well. I know everyone unleashed a sploogenami to Mad Max: Fury Road, but one thing that bothered me was the heavy usage of orange and blue. Yes, both colors are on the opposite end of the spectrum and therefore more pleasing, but it was too much. Same with this hoodie. Bright orange sun and electric blue orb held by a wizard angel. So typical, amirite?
Rhapsody really loves their giant blue electric orbs. You can tell because they use it FOUR times, including one on each sleeve. Doesn’t that just look strange and out of place? Sleeve printing is almost never good. This is just random. At least the wizard angel is somewhat interesting. Does Luca TuttiFrutti have an orb fixation? Did he wander into the pseudo-hippie store in the mall and come across one of those electrical balls that make your hair stand up? Does he really just want to see a blue cantaloupe like Billy Madison wanting to see a blue duck? Either way, this shirt will keep you extra warm when you’re busy not having sex.
Ah, now there is the over-the-top power metal fantasy freakout that we all know and, um, tolerate. While it lacks the dragons, swords, and unicorns, the shirt does contain super sharp colors, bright rainbow, planets, stars, and God’s four-fingered hands molesting your chesticle area. What, what?! Yeah, look at that. God is going in for second base like he’s trying to get in scoring position in the first inning. Jeez, God. We’ve only been on like 3 dates and the first time was really just hanging out with friends. You shouldn’t treat people’s bodies as if they were pieces of ripe fruit. I think things are moving a little too fast and we’d be better off as friends. Maybe you can just get grabby with Stratovarius instead. They’re apparently into that sort of thing.