The Best Metal Album Art of the Year Goes to the White House Holiday Decorations


As grim and lifeless as those that inhabit the White House.

Time to deck the halls and lay some tinsel or whatever else it is you gentiles do every year. Eat ham or something? I don’t know. Since it ’tis the season and all that, everyone gets in on the decoration game. Businesses, town squares, shopping centers and more all get in on the act. Not a year goes by without metal blogs telling us about the latest bro-dad that spent thousands of dollars in electricity to make his Christmas decorations sync up to Disturbed or Ozzy. Heck, Christmas decorations are even a big event at the White House.

Despite what Fox News might have flung at you, Christmas decorations at the White House are not a new thing. Even the rectal-polyp-in-chief is forcibly getting into the holiday spirit. Anything to draw attention a way from record-low approval ratings, no significant legislative accomplishments, the loss of the country’s global status, an ever-growing Special Counsel investigation, dipshit sons, a complicit daughter, cozying up to white supremacists, and a possible loosening grip on reality. Thankfully, the decorating duties typically fall to the First Lady (and, y’know, professionals). That’s probably why the White House isn’t currently covered in cheap gold plating, KFC chicken bones, and Russian hookers.


Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a darkened hallway with eerily lit branches. This is what the holidays look like in Silent Hill. Some good words to describe this picture are grim, evil, and kvlt. An accurate representation of the First Lady’s icy demeanor if we’re being honest. Just look at this picture of Melania walking through her forest of death while definitely thinking how much she hates her goblin of a husband.


That’s the ultimate metal promo picture. Just slap on an indecipherable logo and she’s all set. Season of Mist would sign her on the spot. Her shit comments might even be a selling point. Even the tree looks drab, like it’s about to drop the DSBM hit of the year.


That nightmare hallway is so bleak and terrifying that it is, in fact, the best metal album art of the year. Nothing can top it. No amount of highly-detailed creativity or flat-out plagiarism can compete. Toss in any black metal musicians and you would love it. Check out some examples.

(Thanks to TovH contributor Sarah Lafayette for this King Diamond one)

You don’t even need to be in a spooky band to make this work. Look at these.


See? Those White House decorations are so metal that they could make anyone look cool.

Almost anyone. Go ahead. Throw in some musicians of your own and see how it turns out.

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