Shirt Stains: In This Lolment
Just when I think I’m out, In This Moment pulls me back in.
In This Moment already have been a source of comedy at Toilet Ov Hell. It was nothing personal, as I still contend that their first album has some good songs on it. It’s just that the way they present themselves and their videos is just naturally funny. I don’t actively look for In This Moment material to make fun of; it just gets plopped onto the internet with all the fervor of a deposit at the Chinese buffet unisex bathroom.
I wish I could cut the band some slack. They’ve found a formula that works. It’s lowest-common denominator stuff and I don’t like it, but you can’t argue with results. You can make fun of the results, though, especially when those results involve the auditory version of a battle with irritable bowel syndrome. In This Moment’s version of Nine Inch Nail‘s “Closer” is painful. What made them think that covering the song in such a raspy, lifeless way would be a good idea? If this song was on trial, the prosecutor would ask you to point out on the doll exactly where In This Moment inappropriately touched you. Maybe a look at their merch will make the answer clear.
Maria…you’ve got something on you…eh, never mind.
Is In This Moment’s Maria Brink suffering from some sort of head-elongating disease? Was she exposed to gamma radiation like The Leader? Is she part of the fabled melon-head clan? Did someone forget to adjust the setting when putting her through the scanner? No? Well then why is she stretched out like Jonah Hill’s underwear?
Perhaps the unnatural stretching is to make it abundantly clear that this picture of Maria is utterly terrifying. If you don’t have time to get a good costume for Halloween, you can just hold this shirt in front of your face to terrorize little kids. I can only assume her eye is bleeding because she watched her band’s attempt at creating the first ever brain molestation video. I’d ask why she was licking a gigantic black widow spider, but I just have to accept the fact that I’ll never be “sick like me”. And I thank any and all gods, goddesses, deities, and the creator of the thong that I’m not.
No no no no no. No. Nnnnnnnno. Bad In This Moment! Bad! You don’t do that to a t-shirt. Don’t look at me that way! I can’t believe this is a shirt that exists in our reality. If it was just the picture and the band name, it would be perfectly fine. I mean, it’s not like they’d include the rest of the band members on the shirt when they’re too busy blending into the background of all music videos and promo shots, but it’s still fine. The picture wasn’t good enough, though, as someone somewhere decided to scoot all over the shirt, leaving a streaming streak across the chest. Way to ruin comic books, In This Moment.
The head-scratching lines, presented in all caps for some reason, come from the band’s song “Blood”. You wouldn’t be wrong, though, to assume that the song was called “BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD” because it’s on this shirt three fucking times in the goofiest font this side of Wingdings. Why is it 11 cents and “issue” #11? I don’t know. You probably don’t know. I’d say Maria might know, but she’s too busy eye-fucking the life-force out of everyone that looks at this shirt. She’s not that easy, but she’s ready to take a bite out of your buns with that look.
Hey, what a shocker. It’s an In This Moment Shirt that only features Maria. I wonder if the rest of the band cares. As long as the sweet, sweet Washingtons keep rolling in, probably not. At least she brought friends along this time. We have giant, translucent Mothra, an outline of a factory, either a wilting flower or possibly and artichoke, and Alien Ant Farm‘s symbol. That sounds like the worst Thanksgiving ever.
Did the designer get paid by the picture for this shirt? Were they just fucking around with ClipArt when they were on the phone with their significant other and then accidentally hit send? I can’t imagine In This Moment demanding all of this random crap on there shirt.
In This Moment: (ssssssnnnnnniiiiiiiiifffffff) Wooooo! Okay, bro, let’s get this thing going. We’ve got a couple hundred screaming teenagers in need of a new shirt.
Designer: Sure. What would you like?
In This Moment: Maria, obvs.
Designer: Obvs. What else?
Nameless ITM member #1: A butterfly.
Designer: Sure. That can work.
Nameless ITM member #2: An outline of a factory!
Designer: Wait, what?
Nameless ITM member #2: Oh, oh! And make it so that Maria’s body is in it so she looks like her shoulders are straight out of a 1980’s power suit.
Designer: Hold on, guys, I don’t think…
Nameless ITM member #3: Alien! Ant! Farm!
Designer: Can we all just calm down for a second.
Nameless ITM member #4: (sssssssnnnnnniiiiiffffffff). Alright man, you got this. We’ve got to go before our shirts get any itchier. Feel free to put whatever else you want on it. Maybe some spiders or artichokes or whatever.
Nameless ITM member #2: Man, is anyone else’s shirt itchy?
Nameless ITM member #1 Fuck, it’s just so hot and shit.
Nameless ITM member #3: Alien! Ant! Farm!
Huh. Well…I…hmmm. I’m really not quite sure how to approach this shirt. It’s a cartoon Maria with a dunce cap on that boldly says “WHORE”. She’s topless and covered in bloody paper (I think). Also, she’s wearing a bowtie. What’s with the blood fixation? Someone is going to get a staph infection. The placement of this picture makes it look like the wearer has the strangest and most confusing erection possible.
I guess ITM is trying to take the word “Whore” back. I suppose that’s admirable. It’s better than them trying to take back a racial slur or something. The message may get a little lost with the bloody, naked Maria, but hey, what do I know? I’m not the one in the giant dunce cap. Perhaps, some young people will see this and be inspired to not use the word. Yeah, that’s the ticket. In This Moment are a great influence on both kids and adults alike, using their powerful message to create a better world in which we can all…wait. Is she smoking a cigarette? In This Moment are monsters.
I’m beginning to see a pattern with these In This Moment Shirts. Maria? Check. Is she a cartoon? Check. Is she topless? Check. Does she have a stupid hat on? Check. Is She smoking? Check. No other band members? Of course that’s a check. Just think: There are people out there that have been paid to draw Maria naked. It’s nice to find work that you love.
I’d say the flowers are a nice change of pace, but I have the sneaking suspicion that they’re supposed to be symbolically sexual as well. Did someone in the band flip through a Georgia O’Keefe book and say, “We need more flower-ginas on our shirts”? One thing I do like about the drawing (besides the ample bosoms) is how the Maria cartoon is blowing out smoke. It makes it look like she’s sucking out the soul of the band’s name. Wow, this shirt is far more poetic than they probably intended. When you think about it, it’s actually beautiful. I mean it’s not big, heaving, cartoon jumblies beautiful, but it’s pretty good too.
Checking the FitBit that Joe implanted into my brain when I first came on board, this is my 100th post. Thanks for reading my nonsense, everyone. I really do appreciate it Hope they made you laugh (well, the one’s that were supposed to make you laugh). Here’s to another 100 posts.