Shirt Stains: KISS Bicycle


Insert “skid marks” joke here.

KISS will put their name, likeness, or stench on just about anything. Beyond the shirts, pants, undies, onesies, blankets, and other “normal” merchandise, the band has also slapped their name on things like caskets, condoms, wine, and a goddamn arena football team. They even managed to have their own race car for some reason. It is clear that Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley love money the same way that you love oxygen. I’m fully convinced that without money, both men would cease to be. I mean, why else would Gene Simmons host a business symposium? Why else would Paul Stanley make the world’s softest coffee commercial in the history of film? Maybe they have to constantly pay some sort of Troll Toll to keep monsters from getting inside their respective holes.

While that may be a stretch of the imagination, it is easier for my brain to accept that that is the reason why KISS is releasing their very own carbon-fiber road bicycles.

 Yeeeeeeesh. That thing is ugly in any language. It’s like they tried to make it unappealing to the human eye. This is the mobile version of  gonorrhea. The Phantom of the Park drank too much KISS wine and threw up on Gene Simmon’s wet dream. There’s just so much crap in such a small amount of space. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that Gene personally rubbed his painted dong all over the seat as his seal of approval.

This bike is slightly better in the same way that getting your arm crushed in a freak accident is slightly better your genitals gnawed off by a high-on-bath-salts Steve Bannon. It’s still a gross monument to narcissism and greed, but hey, it’s slightly less offensive to the eye. You take a win where you can get one. So how much does this stupid thing cost?


AAAAAHHHHH!!! Six thousand four hundred and ninety-nine dollars and ninety nine cents?! That’s….GAH! Think of all the useful things you could buy with that money. Think of all the good you could do with that money. All that money to be a rolling billboard. You can buy 8 1/2 of those stupid Slayer bikes Nuclear Blast was selling. I can’t breath. My chest hurts. I think I’m having a panic attack.

Okay…okay. It’s a fancy carbon-encrusted speedy bike. Maybe that price is normal. I’m sure it’s expensive to put together a high-performance bicycle. Maybe this is more of a vanity purchase, something that will never really be used, but simply owned. A real bike rider or racer would never purchase the entire thing. They’d get the frame or wheels and put it on their own stuff. Yeah, that seems more believable. You want to rep the band while you ride, but don’t want the whole thing. That’s fair. How much would just a wheel cost?


I think it’s incredibly appropriate that Sciacallo Bikes, the company selling this ode to capitalism, is not selling an official KISS bicycle helmet. Just let gravity do the work.

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