Shirts Stains: No Pain, No Stains
No theme, no genre, no message. No personal stories or witty anecdotes. Just a steaming pile of shirts. Drink deeply from these shirt stains. Let their stench envelope you like a sweet French perfume. Feel the wafting embrace of their terrible designs. Embrace the hideous colors. Absorb the putridity of poor layouts. Light a match when you’re done.
Coldworker – Mary Had A Little Lamb
Coldworker were a sadly underappreciated death metal band in their time. Featuring Anders Jakobson (formerly of Nasum) on drums, Coldworker managed to be very heavy and catchy at the same time. Just listen to their song “They Crawl Inside Me Uninvited” for proof. There’s a little groove in those shreds. So why didn’t they really receive a lot of attention? Maybe it just wasn’t the right time or a lack of promotion from Relapse Records. Or maybe it was because they put out shirts like this one.
This shirt, promoting the band’s second album Rotting Paradise, looks like it was created in Fotoshop, the Bratislavan-created bootleg version of Photoshop. Everything just looks hyper-fake, like all the dinosaurs in the new Jurassic Park movie. The concept isn’t necessarily bad, but this is one of those ideas that should have just stayed an idea. We’ve got Black Metal Mary who looks like she’s had a few too many Snozzberries holding a rifle. The baby (I’ll assume it’s Baby JC) looks like he’s about to bless his diapers with strained carrot mush. The lamb’s serene look simply tells us that it has accepted its fate and has mentally left its fluffy body. I won’t even venture to guess what else is on this shirt. A snake? A rubber chew toy? Coldworker’s dignity? Jesus may love the little children, but he doesn’t love Coldworker’s merch.
The Plot In You – Curl Up And Dye
The Plot In You are a metalcore band from Ohio on Rise Records. If you have a little sibling or possibly tween/teenage children, they might like The Plot In You. Or at least have heard of them. If that’s the case, can you please ask them why in the cream corned Hell they have a tie-dyed shirt? Are they trying to be ironic? Do kids that like 10th-wave metalcore like irony? Are they also planning on going to Gathering Of The Vibes? Did they pick it up at school? That’s it isn’t it! We’re putting you in military school starting in September!
It really is strange to see a metal band use tie-dye. It’s not unheard of because there’s an entire freaking section of it on All In Merch. Don’t worry, I’ll get to those another time. If the band just wanted a non-black shirt, they had plenty to colors to choose from. Instead they went with a sorta-kinda-blackish gray. Maybe it’s all to distract from the totally original X symbol used by, y’know, actual hardcore bands. This design just looks like someone smudged some toothpaste on their chest. You can’t be spinkicking in the pit if you’ve got gingivitis. Everything about this is grosser than brushing your teeth right after drinking a big glass of orange juice.
Black Cobra – Melting Snot Wolves
This one will probably elicit a few “I like that design” calls, but come on. Look at it. I mean really look at it. Is that Cerebus? If so, where’s the rest of his body? If it’s just three separate wolves, then where are their bodies? And why do they look like rotten veggies? Are they fighting those tentacles or are the tentacles part of their body? Did a horny Japanese businessman conceive this design? And why is the model wearing purple pants?
This is one of those cases where less detail would have been better. The center wolf is either biting the tentacles or has a serious case of allergies. Someone get this wolf a tissue and some Benadryl! What’s going on with the wolf in back? It looks like it’s in the throes of passion. That’s a look of pure ecstasy. “Oh fuck yeah, tentacles! I’m about…I’m gunna…I’m gunna….awwwoooooooo!”
Oh, so a Japanese businessman did design this. I expect to see the dakimakura soon.
Bullet For My Valentine – Bro, I Have Feelings, Bro.
This band is no stranger to Shirt Stains. Someone get them a medal or at least a Smirnoff Twist. This one is for the sensitive bro, who has feelings in-between calling people homophobic slurs and threatening to kick someone’s ass for looking at his girl.
There’s just so much going on with this shirt that it’s giving me anxiety. This shirt shouldn’t be worn around people suffering from PTSD. It’s sensory overload to the Nth degree. The all-over print, the large name, the giant, complicated center image. It’s all too much. It’s like taking a KFC Double Down, wrapping it inside a Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Burrito, dipping it in Domino’s sugary “marinara sauce” and then puking on it.
The sad thing is that the design isn’t that bad, it’s just too big and too busy. We’ve got skulls, roses, leaves, a giant heart, and an hourglass. And that’s just the front. The back has the name again, more roses, and another skull. What, no green clovers, blue moons, or rainbows? You’ll never have part of a balanced breakfast with this shirt. The reddish-brownish splatter is just a reminder that this shit is, indeed, worthy of Shirt Stains. I think this shirt just went meta. Cosmic.
I’m not sure if this shirt is threatening or being sexually suggestive. I’d rather not know.