Shirt Stains: Just Say Nü
I’ve spoken about nu metal at some length, so there’s no need to get into the genre again. A gateway for some, an annoyance for others. The fashion was certainly questionable, though I do miss the girls wearing tank tops and UFO pants with their thongs sticking out. Oh, youth. But with the good, comes the Shirt Stains…
Korn – OhmygodIhateyoudadyoudon’tunderstandme
You knew Korn was going to be on this list, so we might as well start with them. I could have easily went with one of the cartoon caricature shirts that was prevalent in the nu metal years, but this one really spoke to me. And when I say “spoke to me,” I mean it screamed “ANGST ANGST ANGST FUCK YOU MOM AND DAD!!!”
I will say that it’s a shame that such quality artwork is wasted on something that will most likely be covered in congealed Taco Bell nacho cheese and Mountain Dew: Livewire. It does capture the “angry manbaby” phase of many Korn fans, complete with accidental impalement.
By the way, what band is this for again? I wish they would put the name on it somewhere. Preferably in giant red letters.
Twisted Method – Pervert Warning
What is it with nu metal bands and dolls? At least I think it’s a doll. I’m not entirely sure because of its deformed human head and the fact that it’s chest is blacked out. That implies that there are actual, human breasts on that thing. That would also imply that the people wearing the shirt are deviant sexual perverts that should be getting the bottom bunk in Ian Watkins’ cell. For some reason, this design makes me think of Social Distortion’s White Light! White Heat! White Trash! How unfortunate for Social D.
Twisted Method were a 4th-rate nu metal band that I somehow managed to see live. Twice. Not on purpose, I swear. The most memorable thing about them was that the singer wore goofy pants covered in what appeared to be sheep’s wool. You would think that a band trying to make it big would have capitalized on selling those to fans instead of this shirt that manages to make sex offenders uncomfortable. Legally, you can’t wear this shirt within 500 feet of any school, park, or movie theater showing the Spongebob Squarepants movie.
Coal Chamber – Awkward Yearbook Photos
Coal Chamber really embraced their nu-metalness. The goofy hair, the bad piercings, the songs about Rowboats. Y’know, the usual cliches and tropes. They have no shortage of bad shirts, but this one legitimately made me laugh out loud. Most people want to forget their awkward years. Coal Chamber wants you to wear their awkward years on their chest. D.A.R.E. shows this shirt to sixth graders to keep them off drugs.
Dez Fafara would probably laugh if you showed him this shirt today. I mean, he’s already rolling his eyes in that picture. He knows what’s up. A senior citizen with cataracts knows that this shirt is ridiculous. The worst part about it? It doesn’t say Coal Chamber on the front. Maybe it says it on the back, but by that point, you’ve passed out from a lack of oxygen for laughing too much.
Chimaira – Painting The Yellow To Brown
This shirt probably comes later in Chimaira’s career when they shifted from nu metal to fairly straightforward metal. Some may cry foul, but for the sake of this article, I would just like to quote their song “Painting The White To Grey”:
Plastic always drastic
A vision of a psychopathic with a razor crawling through the attic
I know somewhere out there someone cares
Wanting me to get my head out of the clouds
As they think it’s time repair
That’s nu-metal as fuck, so the shirt stays. This design is what happens when a kindergartener throws up after eating too much paste and Play-Doh. The color scheme is hideous. Maybe that’s on purpose as Chimaira hopes to draw your eyes away from… well, I’m not really sure what I’m looking at. What is this, some sort of cyber-mannequin skeleton with joke-store teeth? Is that cauliflower behind it? And why is their name and symbol smack in the middle of the shirt? Wouldn’t it be better with the name above the picture and maybe the symbol on the back?
Now we probably know why band members kept leaving Chimaira.
Slipknot – Hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I’d apologize for the poor quality of the picture, but I didn’t take it. My guess is that whoever took the picture was just so mad about Joey Jordinson getting kicked out of Slipknot that they could not stop shaking with rage.
Slipknot has plenty of shirts with their masks crammed on to them (and I’m sure I’ll induct them at some point), but this one just looks plain weird. I can’t even tell if everyone in the band is included. Corey Taylor’s post-ejaculation face takes up so much room, pushing everyone else to the sides. It doesn’t help that the ultra-edgy pentagram-thingy covers their faces.
Joey Jordinson looks like he’s melting, the big-nosed one looks like it’s sliding off the shirt, and I have no idea what’s going on in the top right corner. Is he in the band or a bad horror movie from knockoff masters The Asylum? I don’t know, but looking at it is giving me vertigo and making me nauseous. If People = Shit, then Slipknot Shirt = Explosive Diarrhea.