Shirt Stains: MANOWAR KILLS FASHION WITH STEEL!!!!
Are the Kings Of Metal also the Kings of Good Taste? What do you think?
Is Manowar the greatest metal band of all time? Yes, according to their fans who will definitely let you know at every opportunity possible. The band has become something of a meme over the past few years thanks to their self-aggrandizing nature, hyper masculine image, and band photos that, well, you can see for yourself. The band’s sweaty, oily full-body embrace of the metal aesthetic has made them synonymous with early heavy metal’s muscles, leather, manly-man imagery. It is something their fans love and something that non-fans laugh at.
I will give Manowar some credit. They have managed to cultivate a dedicated following that would do just about anything to support the band. Through cancelled tours, the firing of a beloved member, charging fans $75 dollars just to see them live, and large gaps in putting out albums, they’ve managed to hang on to a large, if very protective and defensive, fanbase. Really, I’m just trying to butter them up so they don’t attack with swords purchased at the mall with the fury of a thousand rage quits.
I know we have some Manowar fans here (HI BOSSTHEROSS!). Take a look at the following Manowar merchandise below. It is a mixture of legitimate and bootleg stuff. Let us know below if you honestly think these look good and if you would wear them. We must know.
HUUUUURRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! This is nastier than bassist Joey DeMaio’s unwashed leather banana hammock. The all-over-print says “Yeah, just a few more years and I’ll soon be night manager at White Castle” while the plethora of skulls say “It still counts as losing your virginity even if you have to pay for it.” The muddy browns on the front let us know that the wearer has never known the cleansing touch of deodorant or Febreeze. The back gives us a little bit more color with a splash of red and I do mean splash. It looks like vocalist Eric Adams spilled his chalice filled with Ocean Spray Cran-Apple juice and didn’t clean it off in time before it stained.
Does Manowar’s overly-jacked mascot have a name like Iron Maiden’s Eddie or Megadeth’s Vic Rattlehead? If not, can we name him Chad Twistynips? Please? I want to hear all about Chad Twistynips, First Of His Name, son of Gunter and Rowena Twistynips. We must know more of the trials and tribulations of young Mr. Twistynips, like how much he bench presses and if all Twistynips were born with no nipples or if they, in fact, were twisted off in an epic battle against some orcs. Maybe we could also learn why he knee is so fucking gigantic. At least, I think that’s supposed to be his knee. His body is all twisted and mishappen, so it is kind of hard to tell.
MANOWAR! HELL ON STAGE! BURNING! DEATH! DESTRUCTION! DEMON DESPERATELY TRYING TO CRADLE ITS TINY DEMON COCK AND BALLS SO NO ONE SEES IT AND LAUGHS!
The attempt at total satanic metal badassery is kind of lost when you notice the hand placement and lack of dangling bits. No amount of flames and blood and falling over drum sets can make you ignore this. The shirt even helpfully zooms in on the demon’s face to show that he is freaking the fuck out. He’s totally realizing it’s like that dream where you’re in front of the class naked, except it’s actually happening. He just wishes everyone would leave the hall until he can find a pair of pants.
Did this need to be an all-over print shirt? No. Did this all-over print shirt need to have the same exact picture on the front as well as the back? Hell no, but here we are. It would be amazing if the front and the back are two separate colors like it appears in the picture. Maybe the back was used to wipe up all the fail sweat for whoever wears it and that’s why it has a sickly yellowish tint.
I guess the band (or whoever made this) was just super proud of their Minotaur with Level 10 whip that they just had to show the world. I hope anyone that wears this speaks not in words, but “Whapisshhhhhhhh!” sound effects. They could also follow it up with some dinosaur sounds and uncontrollable sobbing.
Ewwwwww. This is creepy. Like finding your friend’s dad’s stacks of 80’s porno mags and see some of the sex chat phone numbers are highlighted. I recall a story, which I think appeared in Ian Christie’s Sound Of The Beast, that talked about how Manowar would pull a fan from the crowd that was wearing a Metallica shirt, shame them on stage, and then give them a Manowar shirt to wear instead. If you ever see someone wearing this shirt, you are legally obligated to rip it off their torso and give them a pink belly while singing “St. Anger”.
If Joey DeMaio’s mom saw this shirt, she’d say “JOEY! YOU KNOW I DON’T LIKE THAT KIND OF TALK IN MY HOUSE! AS LONG AS YOU LIVE UNDER MY ROOF, YOU OBEY MY RULES. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, YOUNG MAN?! I OUGHTTA WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP! AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT DRINKING OUT OF THE MILK CARTON? WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KINDA ANIMAL?! DON’T FORGET TO PICK UP SOME GABAGOOL ON THE WAY HOME!”
This shirt is on currently sale on Manowar’s website. It’s only $24.95 if you want to shame your entire family tree.
As a final note on the Manowar merch subject, the band also has an “Intimates” section of their store. What exactly does a Manowar “intimate” look like?
The world may never know.