Shirt Stains: Wrong Merch To Fuck With
Is it foolish to expect subtlety from a band that wrote a song called “Kill Your Mother Rape Your Dog”?
GUURRRGGGG RUUUURURUUUUU UURGGGGGGHHH! For those of you that don’t speak Death Metal, I said that Dying Fetus are back. The band is set to release their first album in five years via Relapse entitled Wrong One To Fuck With. That’s a fact that you may want to exclude from your Christmas newsletter this year. For those that want to let Aunt Gerdie know that you rep The Fetus all day, every day, now is your chance to pre-order some…interesting merchandise and bundles for the band.
BLAAAAAAARRGGGHHH! All-over prints are bad. Very bad. Very, very bad. Go sit in the corner, all-over prints and think about what you’ve done! What did Justin Foley from Killswitch Engage do to deserve this? And who put a rotten tomato on his cheek? There’s a weird optical illusion going on with the stitching on the aggressor’s pants. It makes me think the neck of the shirt is much lower than it actually is. Just thought I’d point that out.
The Relapse folks provided an interesting side-note about the shirt”
“This shirt was printed using a method called dye sublimation. This is a printing technique in which artwork is printed onto a sheet of high-release paper and transferred onto apparel using a combination of heat and pressure. Unlike screen printing, the dye is directly absorbed by the fabric for an awesome soft-to-the-hand feel.”
Fascinating. It’s interesting that they’d use such a fancy, high-end style for a design that’s so gruesome. Oh, wait. There’s more.
“PLEASE NOTE: Due to the nature of dye sublimation printing, expect your garment to have small smudges or blurs near the seams, as well as areas of creasing near the edges – this is a normal byproduct of the process.“
Okay, so it’s not that high-end.
Is that Uncle Fester’s head? Knowing the Adams Family, he’d probably be okay with this. The chappy lips, too. He might even love the sickly grays, tans, browns, and blacks that make up the majority of the shirt colors. It’s like if Skittles was made in Czechoslovakia in the 60’s. The all-caps giant white letters with splattered blood is actually a welcome relief from what looks like a muddy New England farm landscape.
A vast majority of people won’t know that this is the name of an album and think you’re just being a confrontational jerk. They probably wouldn’t be wrong. Even flipping up the lid to show the band name won’t help because it looks like a bunch of squiggly lines quickly done before the artist was about to sneeze. Why wouldn’t they just flip the design and have the logo on the front with the album name on the brim? It would be better advertising and reduce the amount of shit you’d get for wearing it. Even the violent design from that all-over t-shirt would’ve been a better choice than just the album title.
You’re just asking for trouble wearing this hat. People will either want to fight you or take the hat and play “Keep Away” like you’re in elementary school. Gotta make sure you keep the stick on the brim though. That’s how people know you’re “cool” and “down”. Know what I mean, homeslice?
But…but…the album is called Wrong One To Fuck With. One. ONE! How could you possibly mess that up? This is the equivalent of a hockey player shooting on an open net, only to completely miss, shit his pants, and then crash face first into the post.
A Dying Fetus knife. On a certain level, it totally makes sense. Plus, you can actually use this is every day situations. Rope needs to be cut? Dying Fetus knife. Want to make hor’s d’oeuvres so your dinner party guests have something bite-sized to munch on while sipping wine and discussing Nietzsche? Dying Fetus knife. Need to throw something around while waiting in line for doors to open? Dying Fetus knife. Need to trim some nose hairs? Dying Fetus knife. Want to show the world that you’re the wrong one to fuck with? Dying fetus knife.
Of course, on another level, it’s a little off-putting that this is already sold out.