Hit ’em where it shirts.

No bootlegs here. Just poor, unadulterated, 100% pure official band merch. The officialness is so thick you can practically cut it with a knife. These shirts are so official that they are qualified to referee an NFL game. Non-official shirts wither and die in their presence. It is this officalosity that allows us to laugh even more than if they were crappy knock-off bootlegs.

Delain – Delain Stains

Dutch symphonic metal band Delain have been around for almost 15 years, though I don’t think I’ve ever seen somewhere wearing one of their shirts in public. Granted, they appeal more to the corset-and-cloak crowd, but you’d think I would have come across one shirt out in the wild. It’s not like Delain are small time. They’ve been on Roadrunner Records and are currently on Napalm Records. They’ve played plenty of major metal fests and are associated with bands like Epica. Maybe the lack of visual fan confirmation comes from the fact that their shirts, like this one, are weird and slightly unsettling.

Look at the poor boredom on the face of this girl. I mean, I think it’s a girl. It could be King Joffrey from Game Of Thrones. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that this person looks like they are in the throws of a Nyquil and turkey bender. The eyes are glassier than a fresh shipment at the bong shop.

Sleep is mere seconds away and is so embedded in this person’s soul that they’re ignoring the giant hummingbird beak impaling both cheeks. Hummingbird beaks aren’t that long, but I guess I’m just splitting cheeks, er, hairs at this point. This shirt looks like one of those supposedly haunted paintings of children that occasionally pop up on eBay that warn the buyer of it’s evil powers. Don’t use this shirt as your wallpaper lest you incur the wrath of Delain!

Is this a reference to a Delain song? A Delain album? Some sort of reference to Red Riding Hood? A reference to a Dutch folk tale? You know what? I don’t want to know. It’s better this way.

Escape The Fate – Now With More Headaches!

Who ordered the shirt made of cotton candy, vertigo, and douche? It certainly wasn’t me. Escape The Fate are an emocore/metalcore/MySpacecore band from Nevada. They were also the first band for Falling In Reverse vocalist and microphone stand-thrower Ronnie Radke. Oh, and he also spent 2+ years in jail for violating probation from a case involving the death of an 18 year old. The more you know! To be fair, Radke left the band in 2008, so this shirt may have been released out after he left. It’s kind of hard to tell if one of the skull faces with swooping Zelda hair is him. Either way, we shouldn’t judge this shirt based on the actions of a former member. We should judge it based on how fugly and nauseating it looks.

This shirt looks like the remnants of a Boo Berry/Frankenberry sex session. I’ll bet their safety word was “Fruit Brute”. All this electric pink and blue makes me think a sweet 16 party from 1989 is going to break out. Even in skull form, Escape The Fate has incredibly punchable faces. They also need a good dental hygienist. Apparently, the fate they were escaping was strong teeth and healthy gums. Why the hypnotic black and white burst behind them? Are they trying to hypnotize us into buying their music? Nice try, Escape The Fate! If anything, your shirt convinced me to use Scope and floss regularly!

Blackguard – Brownshirt

Remember Blackguard? I don’t know if Blackguard even remembers Blackguard. They were (are?) a Montreal-based Children Of Bodom-core band once signed to Nuclear Blast, Sumerian Records, and are currently on Victory Records. The latest news for the band on Victory’s website is from 2012. They went on a few tours in 2013, but nothing much has happened since then. Let’s just say Blackguard is on an extended break. It’s a shame because the band was on a bunch of tours when they first broke out, including Paganfest and Summer Slaughter. The music world is a cruel mistress. One minute, you’re partying with Kamelot, the next you’re working on an album that may never come out. At least we have this shirt to remember them by.

Yeeeesh! Why is this on a shirt? This isn’t Blackguard album artwork, so that’s not it. The picture is neither black nor a guard, so there goes that theory. This is just a picture of someone getting an eye exam or perhaps it is some sort of perverted steampunk porno film strip. Steam-powered gimp masks for all! The drab colors don’t make me want to wear this shirt. They make me want to curl up on the couch in the fetal position until Spring returns. Maybe that’s what Blackguard has been up to this whole time. Case solved!

Maylene And The Sons Of Disaster – Nice sack

Mayelene And The Sons Of Disaster (or MATSOD if you’re into the whole brevity thing) are a Southern-tinged metalcore band from Alabama. The band features Dallas Taylor, formerly of Underoath on vocals. Maybe they can tour together one day so I can not go to one show instead of two. I wouldn’t fit in anyway. No regrettable ear plugs and fading sleeve tattoos. I’d have to wear a MATSOD shirt to fit in, but it wouldn’t be this one.

Let’s start at the top. The band’s logo would almost be good if it weren’t for the fact that the “s” in Sons is distorted to the point where it looks like it is either a number 5 or it is just part of the design. Is there just one son of disaster now? What happened to the other sons? Is everything okay? Is Thanksgiving going to be super awkward now? The other problem with the logo is that it is reminiscent of Kittie‘s logo. Whoopsies.

Now we’re at the main dish that is this shirt design. A prisoner of some sort with a bag over his head. Okay. I guess. Are the band members prisoners? Do we need to free them from the shackles of Ferret Records? Are the fans prisoners of the band’s music? Where did they find some a finely textured burlap sack? More importantly, where are those disembodied arms coming from? If you wear this shirt it will look like you’re growing ghost arms out of your nipples. Hey, no judgment here. Just wanted to point it out, Nip Arms.

All joking aside, Dallas Taylor was seriously injured in an ATV accident this past August and we wish him a speedy recovery.

Emmure – Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck

The feeling is mutual, Emmure.