Shirt Stains: Tommy Vext’s “I Am Being Silenced” Uniform
Help! Help! He’s being repressed!
Guys, I don’t know how to break this to you, but Tommy Vext is being silenced. Yeah, it’s sad stuff. His liberties and freedoms are being infringed upon by these cold, 1st Amendment-hating private companies. How do I know this? Well, he tells us. Whether it’s on his blue check verified Twitter page with over 18,000 followers or his blue-check-verified Instagram account with over 279,000 followers, or on his podcast on Youtube, Tommy is being silenced and cancelled. It’s a two-fer. His interview with a conservative radio host that is banned from American Airlines for refusing to wear a mask proves it!
These soulless, profit-driven private companies that helped spread misinformation, increased far-right radicalization, and helped incite genocide are laser-focused on the former vocalist of a band most famous for covering a ’90s pop song. My god. The horror. The. Horror. All this vicious shadow-banning and he somehow managed to raise over $176,000 for a new solo album. When will this injustice end?! FREE TOMMY! FREE TOMMY!
You may remember Tommy Vext as the former vocalist of Bad Wolves. Or Divine Heresy. Or Westfield Massacre. Or Snot. Or that time his brother murdered him in 2010. Or this mess. Or assaulting his girlfriend. Or the restraining order that followed. Or another former girlfriend regretting her defense of him and now supporting the victim. Lots to remember, right?
Undeniably outspoken, over the past few years, Vext has taken up with the MAGA world, bashing social justice movements like Black Lives Matter, conspiracy theories, and just generally having galaxy brain thoughts. It’s been quite the whirlwind of a career that has now birthed an entire clothing line. How do you advertise something like this? By loudly asking “CAN YOU SEE THIS POST?” on Instagram, deriding cancel culture, admitting to being an anti-vaxxer, and lightly referencing some potential personal and legal troubles on the horizon. Naturally.
Let’s take a look at what attire will undoubtedly be appearing in family courts and viral-cringe for years to come.
Oh, fuck, he used the “F” word. On a shirt! Those liberal fat cats in Washington don’t want potty talk on your clothing, but you’re too much of a free thinker to be boxed-in by some suit. Stick it to the people with this sleek shirt prominently featuring a bad face tattoo and bad photoshop. Sure, ‘Vexit’ sounds like a new, penicillin-resistant strain of syphilis, but real Americans will get it. You refuse to let the WOKE SJW PC PTA LMNOP users on Twitter keep you down and for the low, low price of…wait, this shirt is $30 plus shipping?! Jeez, dude. Maybe we can cancel the culture of you charging an arm and a leg.
It’s good that the people at Vext Fuck Cancel Culture LLC is selling masks. I really mean that. If it helps keep even one more person safe during the pandemic, then it is all worth it. Just don’t ask Tommy about how he feels about them. Individually, yes, I agree, the system is rigged. Not in the way you probably think it is, but I would love to hear your T H O U G H T S. Next, we have the now-classic duct tape Vexit symbol. Sure, actual duct tape over your mouth would be cheaper, but safety first. Just stay six feet away, please. Maybe twelve to be on the safe side. Finally, we have the throwback NY X HC logo awkwardly repurposed with a cute lil’ skull, jumbled letters that don’t actually spell Vext, and laurel leaves. Hmmm, where have I seen those recently? Probably just a coincidence.
Unsurprisingly, we have Thin Blue Line merch. Got to let the cops know you want to hug and kiss them and hope they don’t shoot you in the back and plant evidence on your corpse. As a friend of cops everywhere and not a fan of Black Lives Matter, it makes sense that Vext would want to appeal to a countermovement trolling of people of color speaking out against police brutality. When you buddy-up with Five Finger Death Punch, a little bootlicking is bound to rub off on you.
Wouldn’t want to leave out our boys in red, right? Wait, do they call them “boys in red”? Is that too close to calling them communists? Uh oh, better get rid of these, Tommy. Don’t want anyone thinking you would want to redistribute wealth or seize the means of operation. Better to let the fires consume all just to be safe, especially if you don’t pay your bills.
Can’t forget the military either. Just in time for the Afghanistan War’s 20th year. That’s right, folks. It’s still going on and is almost old enough to drink. Semper FUBAR, am I right? Why leave the merch at just police, firefighters, and soldiers? What, no hallway monitor V3XT hoodie? Why do you hate Department Store Loss Prevention Associate, Tommy? I thought you cared about our boys in ill-fitting polo shirts. Think about venue security! Never forget The Thin Yellow Line!
Unless it’s to tie a cop’s boots.
Ovet? Skullvet? VXET? vXthreelinescross? Didn’t really think this one all the way through, huh?
Someone should let the ultra-litigious lawyers at Disney/Marvel know that this shirt exists. Then again they don’t seem to give a shit about cops using the Punisher logo, so who knows?
Okay, this one is actually pretty good.
Hell yeah, ladies. Now you have something that says “You should’ve complied” when you go to the gym or Army/Navy Surplus store. All the other mothers at preschool will know that you probably have at least 2 unsecured firearms somewhere in your house. People that wear these name their kids things like Patriot, Liberty Belle, and Glock. These people talk about stomping someone’s ass if they burn the American flag, but have had the same ratty-ass tattered flag flying off the back of their F-150 since 9/11.
Who is the “We” in this situation. Shouldn’t it be “I” since you’re the one wearing them? Unless this is one of those weird situations where the cop-loving man in their life buys all their clothes and orders their food for them at Dave & Buster’s. “Yes, I will be having the Pepperoni Pretzel Pull-Apart, Triple Bacon Burger, and 22 ounce Coors Light. The lady will have the fresh garden salad, no dressing, and tap water. Why yes, it is our anniversary. How did you know?”
As of now, it doesn’t look like there’s any workout Vext pants for men. When you ‘re pumping iron and clacking stacks 24/7, you got to show off your sleek gams at all times. Especially when you’re taking a picture with former WWE guy Enzo Amore. So-called cancel culture ended his career. That and things like this. Just ask his former opponent Simon Gotch his thoughts on him.
It’s like they pumped themselves full of air at the local gas station, but ran out of time to do their lower half. Maybe this means we’ll get Tommy guesting on Amore’s next song about gripping his “consensual penis“. We can only hope the Powers That Be don’t shadow-ban and cancel this inevitable smash hit. In the meantime, buy up all the Vext merch you can to show you’re not a ‘sheeple’ that kowtows to fear, manipulation, and grifting. Dig in your heels as hard as possible, no matter how wrong you may be, and make sure to do it in a very public way.
At least you’ll have an entire “I AM BEING SILENCED” uniform ready if you try to cancel us.