Shirt Stains: Slayer Bootlegs
Rayning blud frm uh laserayted skye.
Many people have asked where I find all the terrible shirts shown in Shirt Stains. Well, my friends, the internet is a wonderful and magical place. While it’s mostly websites full of naked bits and snarky bullshit celebrity gossip, there are some places dedicated to band merch. Google Images is a good place to start, and merch sites like IndieMerch and AllInMerch are helpful resources. I’ve come to discover, though, that the best place for terrible band shirts is eBay.
A simple search on the auction website can lead to a veritable cornucopia of crap. Know of a bad band? You can search them and see what you find. Terrible genre? Try that. Awful, awful tour shirts. You bet. My favorite thing, though, are bootleg shirts. These things are almost universally terrible. Misspellings, poor transfers, awful graphics, ill-advised all-over prints and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. For whatever reason, Slayer seems to be the band with the most bootlegs. Lucky us.
World Painted Crud
Aiiyyyeeeeeeeeee! I had no idea that Mountain Dew: Code Red was available in wearable form. Doctors recommend not staring directly at this shirt. This shirt is the number one choice for serial-killing people that post live Phish videos on Facebook. How much more red could this shirt be? The answer is none. None more red. Yeah I know there’s some black splattering in there that makes it look like a demon just let loose some blackened devil jizz, but it’s still offensively red. It’s hard to tell where sleeves and necklines begin and end. This shirt could replace the puzzle box in Hellraiser.
This bootleg uses the traditional eagle Slayer symbol which would be fine and dandy if it weren’t printed crooked. What, do they not have rulers in eastern European meth/bootleg shirt labs? Did all the red dye fumes make the printer cross-eyed? Was this the last shirt before the sweat shop closed for the day after a typical 38-hour shift? Did Kerry King beat his bootleg slave that he keeps chained up in his basement next to the Jager-shooting bidet a little too hard? It’s these thoughts that keep me up at night.
Dead Brah Mask
Bro, you’re going to a Five Finger Death Punch show? Dude, fuck yeah, I’m going! I’m gunna fuck up some pussies in the pit, yo. No one gets left behind, bitch! I got this sweet new Slayer shirt to wear. I don’t listen to them because I don’t like black metal, but it’s still cool. People are gunna see it and be like “Whoa, I better not fuck with that dude. He’s all scary and shit!”
Nah, I don’t think it looks stupid at all. Skulls with random spikey things coming out of them are awesome. I might put some spikey things on my pickup. And check out that bitchin’ eagle! It’s all like “Cawww! Cawww! I’m gunna fuck you up and fuck your girl! Cawww motherfucker!”
And look at this weird whiteish gray design all around. It’s like it’s snowing. It’s snowing on my fucking shit, bruh! Can your shit do that? Suck my balls, it can’t! Totally worth the $25 plus shipping on eBay.
I don’t like the pentagram, though. I don’t want people to think I’m like some sort of satanic devil-worshipper or something. I mean, I have a tattoo of a crucifix on my neck. I hope it doesn’t offend anyone.
Altar Of Craprifice
This shirt is Hell. This shirt is what Mike Huckabee thinks of when he’s auto-erotically asphyxiating himself. This shirt is Donald Trump’s biggest supporter for president. This shirt killed the Lindberg baby. This shirt inspired Uwe Boll to become a director. This shirt is the reason why your video game console needs to update all the time. This shirt leaves one broken cookie left in the bag. This shirt doesn’t want to talk about politics but responds to every political post on Facebook. This shirt pisses with the seat down and then doesn’t clean up. This shirt goes to Chili’s for authentic Mexican food. This shirt goes to little league games to pick up single mothers. This shirt is a former editor of Gawker.
Playing With LOLs
Is cracked concrete or dry desert the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Slayer? If you said yes then this shirt is for you. Also, what the hell is wrong with you? I can only assume that this shirt either already had this design on it before the Slayer symbol was put on, or it’s from aliens that have studied naked pictures of Margaret Thatcher. Just like that red monstrosity above, the Slayer symbol is not printed correctly and bleeds onto the sleeve and ribs.
Unbelievably, the back is even worse. What the fuck? What the fuck, man? When did the Joker have a kid with Eddie? Is he missing an eye? Is he on fire? Is he wearing lipstick? Does he not have dental insurance? Where’s Harley Quinn? Who thought this was a good idea? Who would buy this? I can only hope that whoever decides to actually wear this in public is followed by Dagon ringing a bell shouting “Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame!”
Jesus Saves (But Satan Scores On The Rebound)
Who knew that you could represent 1999-2000 vibe in t-shirt form? This shirt should come with jean shorts, frosted tips, and a backwards Billabong visor. It comes pre-stained with Josta soda and Butterfinger BB’s. The shirt is the physical embodiment of Slayer’s silly Bloodline video. At least there was a cute kitty in that. I’m getting a heavy X-Files vibe from this shirt for some reason. Maybe it’s because of the font.
Why does the shirt need to say Slayer so many times? Is it because the name is only clear once on the entire front of the shirt? Is it so people know where to return you when you show up lost in the woods? Is it so Kerry King can silently judge you from his throne of promotional Jagermeister shot glasses and Sum 41 singles? If you look closely, it appears that there’s two faces with long hair on the front. I think it’s better if you let your eyes blur to make it look like two hand prints over your moobs. KerryKingMoobs.com. Someone secure that web domain.
~~~~~$PECIAL BONU$ $ELL OUT CONTENT FROM THE EDITOR~~~~~
Boy, we sure have a good time making fun of ugly shirts around here, huh gang? You certainly wouldn’t want to buy one of them so consider buying a non-ugly shirt! Maybe one that is adorned with acclaimed heavy metal artist Lauren Gornik’s art, and the name of your favorite heavy metal blog! What do we have here… it’s an official Toilet ov Hell t-shirt! Available for purchase now! For a very limited time! You have just FIVE days left to order yours. GET IT NOW!
You’d look good as fuck in this.
