Flush It Friday: Home Ownershit


The day has finally arrived. You’ve made it through another status quo week of doing minimal work while the IT guys at your job have failed to notice that you’ve spent 35.5 hours of your work week on this site. Join me as we shit out the week that was, doing it the only way we know how to do it around here.

Being a homeowner has its perks, but ultimately it means you owe a lot of money to Corporate America for a very long period of time, so you have to be a responsible adult or wind up in some crust punk basement if you don’t have friends or family that will take you in. That being said, I will hit you off with the bad stuff first and attempt to end on a positive note.

Bad: The house I currently reside in is turning out to be a grandiose architectural failure that can no longer be inhabited by a family of four, so we’re looking to ditch this place within the next three years. In order to do that, some fixing up needs to take place, and I’m not the handiest guy in the world. We’ll be making minimal upgrades in hopes of turning this place over to some sad sack, know nothing, home owner to be. My major home improvement achievement thus far has been switching out the electrical outlets without frying myself in the process. The yard needs landscaping, ceilings need to be replaced, the kitchen needs to be slightly updated along with a host of other improvements just to make this place sellable. To further complicate matters, some immediate issues, such as insect invasions and having to replace a dryer, have emerged, so we’ve had to handle that while the wife is still on maternity leave. It would be great if any of the following things would happen to this house right now without me and my family in it :

  • Godzilla comes by and takes a monstrous shit and caves the entire place in or yells lightning and takes it out
  • A tornado hits and carries this place off to Oz
  • A massive sink hole emerges and swallows the house into the void
  • An earthquake could probably level this place too with the right magnitude
  • If all the trees in my yard were to simultaneously fall on the house and destroy it. This would be a double victory because not only would insurance cover the loss and build a new house just like in the other scenarios but all the trees would be gone which would eliminate fall cleanup.

To those of you who have have no financial commitments for your living quarters, I envy you mightily and dedicate this song to you:

Ugly: The potential cost of making all the upgrades so we can get the hell outta here.

Good: I have four days off starting today. As you read this, I sit unshaven and unbathed in the comfort of my own home while most of you are sitting at your desk, shaven and bathed. I take pride in the fact that I did neither of those things today. I took off because a) fuck work, nobody should have to do that and b) I’m going to a wedding on Sunday and I’d be doing a disservice to the bride and groom if I did not take full advantage of the open bar situation. I do not have to drive because my wife is the designated driver which means she will also have to put up with me blasting grindcore and hip hop on the ride home. That seems a bit harsh, I know, because I do this when I’m sober, so maybe I’ll put on some lovey dovey shit and croon like Justin Timberlake for fifteen minutes to soften the blow. There’s no telling what will actually transpire, so I’ll have to report back to you all after the proceedings.

By now you’ve probably heard enough of my idiotic ramblings. I’d now like to turn the floor over to the rest of my esteemed colleagues so you can spew whatever ails you on this fateful Friday. Like Phobia says, “Your Turn Next”.

Image (VIAThat is not my house


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