Shirt Stains: The Abominable Putridity Of A $35 Shirt
Brother, can you spare 350 dimes?
What’s the most you’ve ever paid for a band t-shirt? I’m not talking about a tour shirt, or an import, or something vintage. Just a plain old, run-of-the-mill band shirt. $20? $25 plus shipping? Maybe I’m just a cheap, cranky bastard, but when standard merchandise prices start to creep into the price of admission for live shows territory, I think you have to draw the line.
Got a few extra bucks burning a hole through your camo cargo shorts? Then the fine folks at Glory Extreme have the shirt for you. For the low, low price of $35 (plus shipping and handling, naturally) you can wear your very own. The shirt is based off the artwork for the Abominable Putridity’s 2012 album The Anomalies Of Artificial Origin. It’s a good album cover. Nice detail, good color, the violence conveys the hurgling gurgling violence of the music. It’s all a rich tapestry. Throw the cover on a black t-shirt and we have no problem.
Of course, that’s not what they did here. Someone saw the cover art, their eyes narrowed, that white stuff formed at the corner of their lips, and their asshole puckered like it had just french-kissed a lemon. “I want every inch of this shirt covered in that picture!” they said with a hint of madness in their eyes and the scent of 7-11 sushi on their breath. “There isn’t enough art to fill the front and the back!” would shout some saner individual. “Then we will use the same art twice and just stretch it out a bit for no reason!” that lunatic would declare. End scene. Curtain falls. The crowds get up and leave, back to the drudgery of real life, contemplating what even is.
$35 for a shirt that will shrink and fade after a few washes? No need to use that money to buy a whole bunch of groceries or gas up your car. The shirt will provide! Wear it in public and people will think you’re an escaped mental patient and throw change at you to keep you at bay. Various religious figures would take you in, bathing and feeding you in hopes that their good deed will be enough to guarantee eternal salvation.
With this shirt, you too can look like Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory after she turns into a giant blueberry. This shirt makes me want to have a snow cone so badly. This shirt is what happens when the Kool-Aid guy discovers auto-erotic asphyxiation. This shirt is the wearable equivalent of Boo Berry suffering from blue balls. It’s gross, and expensive, and I don’t like it.
Don’t you worry, though. Glory Extreme has a few other all-over prints that also go for $35. Buy them now while supplies last!