Shirt Stains: There Are No Words (Well, maybe a few)
The shirt that broke 365 Days Of Horror.
Just when you think you’ve seen it all, something comes along to knock you right on your ass. Or on your nutsack. Or under your nutsack. Whatever, you know what I mean. We’ve covered all sorts of bad shirts and merchandise for Shirt Stains: neon, hockey jerseys, shirts with skulls on them, undies, Kraken-ginas. It’s all a rich tapestry. The point is that, collectively, we’ve seen all sorts of stuff when it comes to band gear. This shirt makes everything else pale in comparison.
When you name you’re band “100,000 Leagues Under My Nutsack” you’re going for a very specific audience. What that audience is, I’m not exactly sure. 15-year olds that get lunch detention for shouting “That’s what she said” during chemistry class? Future Sociopaths of America members? With a name like that, there are two ways to go musically: stupid, goofy comedy or absurd pornogrind. Judging by song titles like “Legend Of The Chrome Nipple,” “Phuk,” “Ace Freehley’s Attack On The Meat People,” and “The Land of Ziggity Boo” you can tell it’s the former and not the latter. Of course, they also have a song called “Babe I’m Gonna Rape You” which makes my soul dry heave.
Comedy is certainly in the ear of the beholder when enduring this Cleveland band. You might not like comedic bands such as Psychostick or Tenacious D, but at least you get what they’re trying to do. Their comedy may not be your cup of tea, but it’s still trying to be funny. I have no idea what 100k (I can’t type that name out anymore) are trying to do. Not everyone can be funny. We all know at least one person who thinks they are hilarious and you just have to force out a chuckle or crack a pained smile just to get them to stop from making any more Austin Powers references. That’s what this band is and that’s what this represents. If you want to be funny, be at least a little funny. Unless, of course, this band isn’t a comedy act. If that’s the case, then Joe help us all. At least this shirt is doing Cleveland proud.
All of that brings us to this shirt which is somehow still available for purchase at the low, low price of $15.99 (plus shipping). An atomic explosion made to look like a pair of testicles that really look like two dried out potatoes below a piece of broccoli. And it has devil horns because why not. And the 0’s all have eyes because why not. And the word “nutsack” is in a different, sloppy, more difficult to read font because why not. This is like one big joke that was never funny to begin with taken way past its logical end. I’d say If you ever see someone wearing this shirt in public, you should shame them loudly and profusely, but we all know you’ll never see someone wearing this.