Shirt Stains: Your Lifestyle Determines Your Death Style
You live it or lie it, You live it or lie it.
This is not an official Metallica shirt and James Hetfield is definitely not really wearing it. Thanks to high-speed internet and hyper-focused advertising, social media has become a playground for bootleg merchandisers. Like a couple of sports teams on Facebook? Here comes an advertisement for a bootleg hoodie with all those teams logos mashed up into one and you can buy it for the low, low price for $40! Log onto Twitter and you get a sponsored Tweet from a shady company trying to sell you a totes authentic Ozzfest 2017 tour shirt.
I don’t blame Metallica for this shirt. They’re too busy having their stuff sold at Target and Walmart for this kind of nonsense. I blame them for that ridiculous movie they put out a few years ago, but that’s another story. I’d like to think the band would get a hearty laugh at this mess before suing the ever-loving shit out of the company for using their name, images, and photoshopping one of their members wearing the shirt. The multiple fonts, the bizarre sort-of animated picture, the run-on sentence. It’s more embarrassing than using blood and semen as your album art.
This bootleg was posted to the Facebook community “Metallica Lovers” (which only boasts 7,000 more members than the T0H page) and the responses were just awesome. Here is just a small sample, since the post received over 800 responses. Names and pictures have been blocked out to protect the incredibly stupid.
This is the person buying 20 lottery scratch-off games at the gas station that you get stuck behind. She must have nice teeth.
Ducking, you say?
Tell us what you really think. Be specific. We need names, dates, places, and how many times the police visit your idiot shack in a given week.
You…you know James Hetfield can’t hear you, right? I like the usage of the word dichotomy amongst all the grammar errors.
So the whole world is a fan, but people that don’t like Metallica, oh excuse me, MetallicA can go fuck themselves. Got it.
“Prob just a web thang tho.” I can’t wait for his mixtape to drop.
*slow clap* This should be hanging in the finest art museums across the globe. This was what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. Parents should read this to children before they go to sleep. Brides and grooms should say this to each other instead of exchanging vows. This is what ends world hunger.
If they don’t like the shirt, I would like to submit some alternatives. I think they will be embraced by all the members of the Metallica Lovers community.
(H/T to TovH writer Boss the Ross for bringing this to my attention)