The BowlympicsDay 5: Hockey


Welcome back to the lavatory arena for Day 5 of the inaugural Bowlympics. Who will take home the gold today? You decide!

First, we’ll recap the drama of Day 4, where we saw a surprise competitor take the win. The “Warriors Of The World” came out of absolutely nowhere and stole the gold from the IOC recognised nations. Someone took a bribe on that one for sure. Anyway, after a series of protests were lodged we have employed the sleuthing skills of resident TovH detective Jimmy McNulty to investigate the extent of the corruption. We promise no such foul play will be pulled today.

Day 5 brings us to an enigmatic event – hockey. I say enigmatic because I don’t think anyone really knows where this sport came from, what the word “hockey” means, or even what the damn rules are. My instinct tells me that there’s surely more to it than just hitting the ball into the net; why else would they need a referee? But after watching a decent amount of it in the hopes of seeing a freak decapitation, I’m almost certain that’s all there is to it; soccer with sticks… and integrity. Adding to the perceived ambiguity of the event is the fact that there doesn’t really seem to be any discernible correlation between the nations that excel at it. Australia and India are great at it; both hot as fuck. Ahhh that’s it, no ice to skate – play hockey instead. Wait, England and Ireland are pretty good at it too, and it’s not really hot there at all, quite the opposite in fact. Maybe it involves a similar skill set to cricket? Got it! Cricketing nations. Hold on, the Netherlands, Germany, and Belgium usually have strong teams, but they’re not really cricketing nations. Fuck, I dunno. Even here, in a country that has been highly-ranked in the sport for at least 50 years, it is not broadcast on TV or talked about by anyone other than the few who play it on weekends. The fuck hockey? The only explanation I can muster is that it is some sort of arcane ritualistic ceremony performed by an underworld cult with a penchant for painful ball games.

Whatever the case, the sadists that will be indulging in this activity today on our hallowed turf tiles are India, Germany, Belgium, and Australia, with Ireland stepping in as the dark-horse contenders. Today’s referee is about to blow the whistle so let’s check out the competition.

The normally quite restrained and circumspect nature of India‘s coach Dubya was completely shot to pieces within seconds of arriving at the ground. From the moment the team got off the bus he was essentially reduced to a raving lunatic, pacing the sideline furiously screaming, “WE WILL CRUSH EVERYTHING WITH OUR HATE SOUND!” The match officials were forced to eject him from the arena and turn down the disgusting noise of Tetragrammicide which he had blasting from a shitty cassette player he’d smuggled into the venue. As the authorities removed the crazed former world leader, assistant coach Joe Thrashnkill stepped up to replace him, bringing the brutal grind of Mumbai’s Gutslit in tow. However, after calling the players in for what we believed to be a composure gathering last minute pre-game huddle, he performed a series of violent hand gestures that did not exactly suggest “Olympic spirit.” That is, unless using your stick to turn your opponents’ faces to pulp is a new motto for the Rio games.

Germany have brought out a veteran team this year in the hope that experience will prevail against some of these younger teams. Through years of intense training and match practice Kreator have developed an amazing “Command of the Blade,” which has given them such confidence that they believe themselves to be a terrible certainty to take out the gold in this event.

Going up against their borderland rivals, Belgium have opted for a blackened attack to combat the German thrash. After years of being mistaken for their larger neighbours, the Belgians are out to settle the bad/kwaad (or evil? Fuck you, Google translate) blood/bloed once and for all with newcomers Wiegedood.

In true bogan form, Australian grinders The Kill showed a complete lack of respect for not only their chosen sport, but the entire Olympics, echoing the sentiment of pretty much anyone not living in a quixotic fairy-tale where morals outweigh money and desire outplays drugs. “FUCK THE OLYMPICS.”

After his home country suffered a string of heavy defeats (7-0 to Spain, 12-0 to Belgium, 9-1 to Great Britain, 9-0 to New Zealand), Brazilian coach Dr. Dagon has jumped ship prior to Sunday’s potential drubbing at the hands of Australia’s cobbers and decided to come to the aide of this event’s dark horse – Ireland. The switch has allowed him a period of deep introspection on the sideline, with Altar of Plagues‘ “Reflection Pulse Remains” offering the perfect soundtrack to quell his inner turmoil.

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