Shirt Stains: Thrash Test Dummies
Splish, splash, I was listening to thrash / Long about a Saturday night.
Thrashin’ of the Christ. Tango & Thrash. Diaper Thrash. Balderthrash. Thrash Borer. Thrash Gordon. Thrash of the Titans. Thrashed potatoes. Thrash Browns. Phil Labonte’s missing musthrasche.
Megadeth – Megakek
Sweet Mustaine on the Great Plains! Megadeth are no strangers to Shirt Stains so there’s no need to rehash how the band is just a revolving door of hired musicians. There’s no need to bring up all the insane things Dave Mustaine has said in the past, oh, three decades. I know about them. You know about them. Now, we all know about this terrible, awful, no good very bad shirt.
Does this count as an all-over print shirt? I think it does. If it doesn’t, screw you, it does. This is one “AFFLICTION” or “TAPOUT” print away from being sponsored by an off-brand energy drink like Blue Bison or Demon. Are those spiderwebs all over the shirt? Varicose veins? Silly string?
Vic Rattlehead is getting the 10-finger treatment from a bunch of grabby imps. Or are they goblins? Can one of our D&D experts let us know? I’d hate to be inaccurate when ripping on an ugly shirt for a band led by a jerkass. The one redeeming value of this shirt is the smooth dance moves Vic Rattlehead is busting out. I can practically hear the Electric Slide. It’s Megadeth! Boogie woogie oogie!
Testament – Testabro
If the previous shirt wasn’t technically an all-over print, then this one definitely fits the bill. This shirt is a full print of the Testament’s 2012 album Dark Roots of Earth. I wouldn’t blame anyone if they didn’t know this shirt was for Testament because their name appears nowhere on it. There isn’t really any way to know this is even a band shirt. Throw in some armpit sweat stains and this could easily be sold in any tabletop gaming store.
In fact, this shirt is a wolf or two away from getting a 5-star review on Amazon. Maybe this Testament shirt can be the catalyst for a new wave of fantasy bro shirts. I can picture some MMA fighters wearing this while pounding Muscle Milk and shoving handfuls of grilled chicken down their unnaturally thick throats. “Bro, sweet wood God shirt!” “Thanks, bro. Want to bro down on some nach-bros?” And then they kiss.
Overkill – 1up
When I look at this Overkill shirt, the first thought that comes to mind is, “Huh.” It’s one of those designs that looks good in your mind, looks good on the computer, and then when it finally gets printed it doesn’t look quite right. It’s a little too computerized-looking for my tastes and reminds me of the old PC first-person shooters that you would play on Windows 98. I almost want to touch the symbol to see if I get a weapons upgrade.
The biggest problem with the design is that it is kind of hard to make out the band name. You really have to study the shirt to see Overkill. A quick glance just reads “ERK.” You guys like Erk? I saw ’em back in 1988 and they were incredible. I’m a huge Erk-head!” When your original fan base is approaching or already in middle-age, don’t make a shirt that requires them to put on their glasses to read it.
Destruction – Pewpewpew!
German Thrashers have forgone their Thrashnado design in favor of the hyper original bullets across the chest design. There really isn’t much to say about this shirt. If people like the band (or bullets for that matter) they’ll justify liking the shirt. Is it the worst? No way. We’ve covered far worse just in this column. Is it silly and a little embarrassing when you think about it? Yup.
I’m not sure why the bullets are white. Maybe to match the band logo? I’ve already put more thought into this than the artist or the band. I know this because the bullets stop right before the shoulders and around the waist. Would it be better if they went all the way around the back? I’m not sure. Maybe Destruction should have stuck with their Cheeto-dust skull design.
Anthrax – Caught In A Weeb
NO BIG EYES. NO GIANT-TITTIED CARTOON CHARACTERS. NO ANIME.