The Road to the Pooper Bowl – Week 2: In Which it All Went to Hell


Welcome back to The Road to the Pooper Bowl, a weekly column for all of you BDubs Bros. It’s week 2 of the NFL season and everything has already gone to hell.

If you’re even remotely familiar with current events in American culture you know who Ray Rice is and why he’s a piece of shit. For those outside the US and the mercifully ignorant, Ray Rice is was a running back for the Baltimore Ravens. During the offseason, video emerged of him dragging his unconscious wife down a hotel hallway after beating the hell out of her. He was suspended by the NFL for 2 games. The league regularly hands down far steeper penalties for non-violent offenses and this was a huge news story, so why the wrist slap? Fast forward to the past weekend: TMZ leaked footage of the actual knockout blows from the elevator video camera. For some reason, this changed everything. Ray Rice was dropped by the Ravens, lost his Nike sponsorship and suspended indefinitely by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

Why did this happen? Rice ADMITTED that he beat the hell out of his wife before the video broke. Did the Ravens and/or the NFL even try to obtain footage of the assault? Why was Rice’s suspension not harsher in the first place? Why is Rice not being prosecuted?

Roger Goodell is a well-paid clown. As commissioner of the NFL, he was elected by the team owners (a group of billionaires) to publicly appear to give a shit about morality for people that lack any semblance of morals. Goodell makes awful decisions on behalf of awful people for awful players doing awful things.

Current Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger was suspended by Goodell for 6 games for sexually assaulting a woman in 2010. The suspension was later reduced to 4 games. Roethlisberger led the Steelers to a championship that year. Soon-to-be Hall of Famer Brett Favre was given no punishment for sexually harassing a team employee. Just last week Wes Welker was suspended four games for testing positive for ecstasy. Do any of these decisions make sense? Why is recreational drug use punished harsher than sex crimes?

The NFL doesn’t actually care whether or not Ray Rice is a wife-beater, they just want this story to go away ASAP. In the meantime, they have deployed Goodell to tell giant lies as damage control. He is under increasing scrutiny as this story unfolds. Sooner or later, he will inevitably be replaced by some other paid stooge. This is a game of greed. Do you remember the referee lockout in 2012?  The NFLPA has this one all covered: 

It is lost on us as to how you allow a Commissioner to cavalierly issue suspensions and fines in the name of player health and safety yet permit the wholesale removal of the officials that you trained and entrusted to maintain that very health and safety. It has been reported that the two sides are apart by approximately $60,000 per team. We note that your Commissioner has fined an individual player as much in the name of “safety.” Your actions are looking more and more like simple greed. As players, we see this game as more than the “product” you reference at times. You cannot simply switch to a group of cheaper officials and fulfill your legal, moral, and duty obligations to us and our fans. You need to end the lockout and bring back the officials immediately.

TL;DR the NFL is disgusting. 

Last week I was foolishly traveling during most of the games and I unfortunately missed all of the excitement of watching the Cowboys shit the bed. I will remedy the situation by watching football until I form bed sores this weekend.

Best Game of the Week:


The Philadelphia Eagles face off against the Indianapolis Colts for a true battle of neckbeard supremacy Monday night! Both teams have massive passing offenses and weak pass defense so look for about a millions points to be scored. I give the edge to the Colts who are coming off a huge last season. Also, Andrew Luck’s neckbeard. Damn. You could hatch a bundle of bald eagles in that nest.

Worst Game of the Week:

Jacksonville Vs. Washington. This is technically a football game. Expect one of these teams to pick up one of their very few wins this year here.

Baseless Predictions of the Week:

Roger Goodell will resign and be replaced with some other stooge.

The Houston Texans will continue their winning ways against Oakland.

The Dallas Cowboys will continue to make me ashamed to be a fan. Oh wait, they just did it again!

Worst Person on the Field:

There are a lot of terrible people all around the NFL and shockingly, few of them will touch the field this week. I choose Philadelphia wide receiver Riley Cooper who is incapable of drinking and listening to country music without getting all racist. Also, he ruins fantasy football teams.

Uninformed Picks from a Bad Gambler:

Last week I suggested you take Seattle at -6. I WAS RIGHT. I also suggested you take San Diego at +3. I WAS RIGHT. Then I went and suggested you to take Kansas City at -4. I was wrong. You should not have done that; Tennessee destroyed KC. My record for the season is 2-1.

This week I would again take Seattle at -6, Baltimore at -3, and Detroit at +3. This DOES constitute professional advice, I think. It’s probably best not to bet this all as a parlay BUT HOW COOL WOULD IT BE IF THAT PAID OUT?

Fantasy Football Update:

The Toilet ov Hell league is under way! W. beat me by 1.4 points so fuck that guy. Bozlinger (an Australian dude who doesn’t follow the NFL) DESTROYED his American oponent. CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL is currently in first place. It’s a long season but we’re all in this together.

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