Whiff o’ the Week (2/15/2015)
“Then the Unlight of Ungoliant rose up even to the roots of the trees, and Melkor sprang upon the mound; and with his black spear he smote each Tree to its core, wounded them deep, and their sap poured forth as it were their blood, and was spilled upon the ground. But Ungoliant sucked it up, and going then from Tree to Tree she set her black beak to their wounds, till they were drained; and the poison of Death that was in her went into their tissues and withered them, root, branch, and leaf; and they died. And still she thirsted, and going to the Wells of Varda she drank them dry; but Ungoliant belched forth black vapours as she drank, and swelled to a shape so vast and hideous that Melkor was afraid.”
This is how the light dies. This is Whiff o’ the Week.
Last week I tasked you with determining the worst song from 2002. Celtic Frost‘s awful misadventure kicked the living crap out of everything. Congratulations to IronLawnmower.
Next week, we’re celebrating more of our misbegotten youth. Category: Worst Metalcore Song. Bring your best Adam D. impersonation.
This week, however, we’re talking worst power metal songs. Saddle up your pillow-dragon and grab your dullest blade. Let’s get to it.
Dragonforce don’t deserve all the flak they get. Yeah, they’re the posterboys for silly, over-the-top power metal, but their songs are actually pretty fun. That is, their non-ballad songs are fun. Their power ballads take all the bravado and chest-hair out of their sound and replace it with tepid flower power. They should have left this song… so far awaaaayyyyyy!!!!
God ov All
Key & Peele‘s spoof on power metal may be the worst power metal song and the best at the same time. Anyone who tries to pretend that power metal is more than an excuse to act like a total nerd is dead wrong. And there is absolutely no problem with that.
Nothing says Power Metal more than a sprawling, 13 minute song that forms part of a concept album based on an external work, in this case Shakespeare’s Macbeth (*groans*), subtitled A Tragedy In Steel (*groans again, louder*), and an album cover with just the right amount of homoerotic violence (*just shakes head and sighs*).
Rebellion’s “Husbandry In Heaven” manages to jam in multiple spoken word passages, irritating, layered female vocals and plenty more Power Metal clichés in a way that’s as deadly serious as it’s silly.
Someone please pinch me.
Nordling Rites ov Karhu
I hate Manowar. As persons. Greedy, backstabbing slimeballs that they are. I hate them even more ’cause they used to have some good songs. This “Kingdom of Steel” off their latest not-a-cash-grab-re-recording is like all their later stuff. Bullcrap.
I’ll be honest with you. When I chose this track, I just picked a random Dragonforce song. First time I heard Dragonforce, I thought “Wow cool, these guys shred.” The second time I was like “Hmm, that sounded a bit like the last song.” Third song in, and I was checking to see if I somehow turned on the repeat track button on my cd player. Seems that each track is written like “Ok guys, lets get these pesky verses and choruses out of the way so we can get to our solos.” This is a band of talented musicians; if only they spent a little less time wanking and a little more time learning how to write songs.
Try and top this. I fucking dare you, you chicken tendie lickers.
This is one of Brasil’s worst exportation problems. Terrible.
Now it’s your turn. Which of these shining stars burned too brightly?
Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.