Whiff o’ the Week (3/1/15)
“No taste of food, no feel of water, no sound of wind, no memory of tree or grass or flower, no image of moon or star are left to me. I am naked in the dark, Sam, and there is no veil between me and the wheel of fire. I begin to see it even with my waking eyes, and all else fades.”
I’m glad you’re here with me at the end of all things, friends. This is Whiff o’ the Week.
Last week, we had a competition to determine the most offensive offspring of the metalcore scene. You all decided that teenagers are just the worst and sided with Simon Phoenix regarding Ludica. Well done, you criminal maniac.
Next week, I thought we’d try something that should really bring out the worst of the worst. The category: Worst ballad. Have at it! Don’t forget to send your whiff with a blurb and your disqus username to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week, however, we’re having a good old-fashioned Thunderdome-style free-for-all. May the worst whiff win!
Press play on this track and take a trip back to the very worst year of high school. I don’t know if Hoobastank were ever technically metal, but they toured with POD so I’m calling it. This may be the worst song ever written by an ambiguously hard rock/metal band.
Here’s a little secret about how we decide the winners for each state in the Best Unsigned Bands in the U.S. contest: I try to find every unsigned metal band I can, and then I listen to them. MOST bands sound exactly like this. Pray for Joe-Joe.
Believe it or not, the most hilarious thing about this is not Tiffany for Breakfast‘s mindblowingly clever play on words, it’s the fact that a group people felt good enough about this song to record it and then upload it to Youtube. Flush.
I would like to thank Rise Records for this. Takes two dudes on vocals to come up with that lyrical genius.
“We’re All In Danger”… of falling prey to the whiff.
LET’S MAKE LOVE IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
I’ve really got no words for this other than lolbuttz.
If you heard just this song and not the video, you’d be thinking to yourself that this is paint-by-numbers deathcore. But the video is what turns this into total sewage. First off, the singer looks like Frankie Palmeri’s disgruntled little step-brother, and seonc – is that drummer melting?
I’m still trying to figure out if this guy is taking the piss or not, but if he is, I’m not laughing. If he’s not, then this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.
I should have submitted last week, but that doesn’t make it suck any less: Asking Alexandria doing “My first Metal Riff” at 0:38.
Now you decide. Who is the king of crap?
Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.