Whiff o’ The Week (9/21/14)
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. It was the epoch of sweet jams, it was the epoch of total bummers. It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness. It was the spring of poser’s hope, it was the winter of kvltists’ despair. We had everything before us; a few of us were going direct to Heaven, most of us were going direct the other way. In short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for riff or whiff, in the superlative degree of comparison only. This is Whiff o’ the Week.
W.
Today I’m flushing all the riffs on the newest Pallbearer album. I know my man Edward is a big fan, but although his word is like gold to me, I just can’t dig this. All of the Foundations of Burden made me want to take a nap. Metal should not do that.
The Masterlord
“Hey guys I have a great idea. Let’s take one of the most decent riffs on this album and ruin it with a children’s choir or some shit chanting ‘Hey, ho, let’s fucking go/Hey, ho, let’s get up and rock n’ roll!’ Great idea, huh?”
“Hold on, are you sure people are going to be cool with that? It sounds like it could be kind of lame.”
“Lame? Wha- no dude. Sounding lame is what makes it cool. Trust me on this. I know a thing or two about being super cool. We’re fucking legends! They’ll be eating it right out of our hands!”
“You’re right, man! We wrote Leviathan once so we can pretty much do whatever we want! High five!”
Leif Bearikson
This is a pretty obvious one, but I heard it for the first time in a while this week and dear God is it worse than I remember. This shit still gets played in hockey arenas? HOW?
Stockhausen
The new single from Slipknot starts out with one mighty whiff that reeks of insincere angst and aging-tuff-guy laziness. It’s like watching a middle aged fat guy trying to squeeze into his leisure suit from his disco glory days. It doesn’t help that it also sounds a 12-year-old Demon Hunter riff.
Jack Bauer
This song is an overcooked anus tart. Everything about it just sounds even more half-lolbuttzed and mailed in than other BVB stuff that I’ve had the misfortune of hearing.
Bozlinger
Hmmm, in 1998 I was in a Nu-metal band. Why? Because I was 16-years-old for fucks sake! As time went forward I changed my ways, left it behind me. I went on to other things, aka, taste. Now Motionless In White seems to think the people that were around that time no longer remember the striped pants they once wore. I do. Shame, FOR SHAME! Motionless In White are a combination of goth “fuckin’ kinda” and everything else that came out in, let’s say, 1999-2001. Though the children of this decade may eat this up, let’s just give them a big hug and apologize.
Howard Dean
What sucked last week?
Life.
Praise death. Total Satan.
[W.- I’m really not sure what to put here, so here’s something super lulzy.]
365 Days of Horror
This is a whiff because it sounds like what guitarists play during practice when their drummer is still setting up. Also, it sounds like Mustaine is about to mess up every 5 seconds.
Randall Thor
2:30 inspires an unquenchable rage within me. That “lead guitar” is the worst thing I’ve ever heard.
http://open.spotify.com/track/1nva4Bqg4s38fn95PlIkCh
Scrimm
Ok. I first heard this a couple weeks ago when I was lured in by the “lolbuttz” description in This Toilet Tuesday, but I’m still pissed about it. Some of you may have suffered the same awful fate. I actually pulled it up to see if it was as bad as I remembered, and it’s actually worse. Couldn’t force myself through one full minute of this garbage. I’m not sure whats worse, the song or that vocalist’s hair. I don’t know how these guys play live without getting their asses kicked.
Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.
(Photo VIA)
