Whiff o’ the Week (2/22/15)
“The most merciful thing in the world… is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.”
Embrace the bafflement of the end. This is Whiff o’ the Week.
Last week I asked you to find the worst power metal song. For the second week in a row, IronLawnmower has demonstrated that he has a far greater knowledge of awful things than the rest of us. But can he win a third time and claim the crap hat-trick crown?
Next week, we’re having a regular old whiff-off. Just bring your stinkiest whiffs, any category. Make sure you send your entry, along with your disqus handle to email@example.com.
This week, however, we’re talking about Metalcore. Which of these bastard children of At the Gates is the durst? Let’s get to it.
Do you want to hear a totally neutered and utterly flaccid take on a beloved ’80s classic? Would you like to have your fond memories of Donnie Darko ruined? Then check out this cover of “Mad World” by Evergreen Terrace.
Is this metalcore? I dunno but it really annoys me.
I know I say “this is the shittiest fucking shit I’ve ever heard in my entire shitty fucking shit life”, but I’ve never really meant it until now. After the first few seconds of unprecedented suck, you just don’t imagine it could be possible for the song to somehow get worse. It does, you guys. It really, really does. I almost didn’t submit it for fear of becoming one of the “haters” that keeps this fucking nob “motivated”. I don’t want to be responsible for that, but I can’t bear this cross alone. Also, in spite of it barely beating out “lolbuttz” as his most prominent character trait, this horse’s ass of a singer apparently has no idea what the word “unbearable” means.
I like Trivium; fight me. Ascendancy is a masterpiece of an album… except for that one song that’s so horrible it almost drags the rest of the record down.
Sticky sweet cleans. Check. V-neck t-shirts. Check. Breakdowns. Check. Dude head-banging over keyboard. Check. Synchronized jumps. Check. Crab stance. Check. The crab stance to end all crab stances. Check, check, check. Every cliche in Metalcore included in one video. Check. Christian Metalcore, arrgghh! Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.
Parkway Drive are inexplicably successful. None other than Killswitch Engage’s Adam Dutkiewicz produced their first album (such an original choice of producer for a metalcore band) and F1 racer Daniel Ricciardo listens to their music as part of his pre-race routine, saying they’re “Something that’ll get me really pumped up.” Really… Anyway, “Romance Is Dead” brings the chugga, chugga riffs and half-time breakdowns, but the lyrics are the true highlight, full of heartbreak and suicide references that are just perfect for a crowd sing along.
a parta my MIND
EE-YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH [W. Note: Let the record show that Leif Bearikson submitted this whiff previously.]
Nordling Rites ov Karhu
Seriously, do I even flushing need to?
I remeber when I first heard Hatebreed’s “Satisfaction Is The Death Of Desire.” I thought to myself, “This shit ain’t bad.” By the time I heard Perseverance, it was evident to me just how limited the genre was. Fast forward 13 years later and it’s baffling that not only does this genre still exist but actually flourishes and it’s lowest common denominator garbage like this that angsty teenage grrrls with a grudge against daddy eat up. I’m truly disappointed in humanity because of the existence of bands such as Atilla and their ilk.
I was almost tempted to not submit this, as it’s the very definition of low hanging fruit. But this sums up everything that went wrong with two decades of metalcore in four minutes and thirty seconds of hilarity. Skip to the two minute mark for the beginning of maximum lolbuttz.
They’re bad enough I just chose the first song that appeared when I googled Wovenwar.
Fucking Bring Me The Horizon animu music vuideo goddamn naruto i;d rather shittr my pantds than kuistne 2 this fucking bastarding hell shit.. Suck my fuck.
Alright folks, the burden is on your shoulders now. Which of these whiffs is lamer than Adam D.?
Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.