10 Ways To Getcha Pull

May 11, 2016

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Stab image above for guaranteed pull-getting.

10: HELLYEAH

Goddamn big ol’ HELL(z) YEAH for ya boys Vinnie, Chad and uh… all the others for alcohaulin’ ass and takin’ names 24/7! These badass, hardass and smelly-ass motherfuckers get their pulls anytime, anyplace! Hellyeah rolling up into your town = instant pulls! Getcha one or several! Plenty of pull to go around! 1 Vinnie panini beard = 5 pulls.

09: KRANK AMPS

Blast your bree-loving wienery fuckface neighbors straight to cowboy hell with a triple stacked trailer-wide wall of Kranks! Every knob controls a proprietary circuit of vintage-tuned pull, allowing you to get one pull, several pulls or a jet engine’s worth of pull-sound! Getcha pull then KRANK it the fuck up (but don’t drop it or you’ll have to re-dial another pull setting).

08: DEAN GUITARS

Let’s hear it for the maddest, baddest metal generators this side of an iron mine! Dean guitars are made of 100% pure American “fuckin’ a,” rich in tone, solid in sustain, and dick-kicking in durability for the lifetime of your pulls and your friends’ pulls. Combine with whammy and wah pedals for hundreds of watts of pull-getting potential! Endorsed by Dime, master getter of pulls.

07: ZAKK WYLDE

Zakk! ZAAAAKK!!! Ya boy! He’s stronger than death, society-dwelling motherfuckers! BLS chapters all over the world unite and start stitching those SDMF and Berserker coffin patches over everything you own! Jackets! Vests! Jacket-vests! Your own face! Got a wife? Kids? Staple a patch on them too, fuck it! Each one of Zakk’s patches is a pull! Zakk Wylde himself is 250lbs of pull!

06: WALK ON HOME, BOY

Read it (or hear it) and weep! And then walk on home, boy and/or girl! I don’t care what gender you choose to identify with, just be it and then proceed to walk on home. Head toward the nearest pull on your way home and get it. Pulls can be gotten elsewhere after you’ve walked on home (boy), but getcha one while you’re out so then you’ve at least got one. 1 walk on home = 1 pull.

05: PERM YO’SELF

Ya boy from Texas Hippie Coalition knows what’s up! Perm that shit up & down and get those glorious flowing wavy Dime locks that look like the roaring fires of hell(yeah) when you’re windmilling some powerful Texan groove! Alcohaul your hairy ass over to an Ulta and make that shit happen! As the saying goes, “pimp the perm, full of pull!”

04: DRAW THE DIME

RIP Dime. Everyone on this infinitely-less-cool-in-your-absence planet has committed to drawing six portraits of you, one for every string you punished nightly in pursuit of pulls. Enjoy rock god heaven while you jam with Randy, Cliff, Lemmy, Prince, Bowie, Lennon, Dio, Hendrix, Bonham, Cobain, Joplin, Elvis, Mozart, Iz, Hoon, Moon, Long, Pride, Drummond, Hamilton, Edwards, Huey, Harpo, Curtis and Gant. Pulls forever.

03: BLACKTOOTH GRIN

You all know this one: a shot of Seagram’s 7, a shot of Clown Royal and a splash of coke equal a heavy (metal) dose of pull! Getcha pull, now in liquid form! Let the tasty pull of the blacktooth grin mostly make it down your throat but also let a bit of pull spill onto your face to illustrate the frequency, intensity and overall enjoyability of your simultaneous pull-getting and drink/pull consumption!