Spend $500 To Eat Some Meat With Hellyeah
Cowboy boots and beard shampoo don’t come cheap.
Hellyeah, everyone’s favorite Bud Light Platinum of a rock band, have just completed the recording on their fifth album. That’s the same amount of albums that Mudvayne released and one more than Nothingface. Where does the time go when you’re doing your best to ignore a band?
Regardless of the metal community’s feelings towards Hellyeah, there is certainly an audience for the booze-n-broads style of music they put out. Their various albums and singles have appeared on the Billboard charts multiple times, and they are constantly featured on summer metal tours. Just this past summer they were one of the featured main stage bands on the Rockstar Mayhem Festival, just beneath Slayer and King Diamond. Usually, online fundraisers are done for returning or smaller metal bands. It has done wonders for bands like Protest The Hero, Mindless Self Indulgence, and Dog Fashion Disco. Even when bands don’t reach their goals, depending on the website, the money they receive can help make ends meet.
That’s why I find it surprising to see that Hellyeah are currently holding a fundraiser on Pledgemusic for an album that they’ve finished recording. Does this mean that cowboy metal doesn’t bring in the Sacageweas? Are the big shows and fests just a big money pit? Does Vinnie Paul need to feed his love of Jack Daniels and strip clubs? Money being tight is the easiest explanation since the record business is garbage and even a band like the Deftones has to tour to keep from starving, but maybe they just want to do something nice for their fans. Yeah, that’s it! The band hasn’t blown their money on rhinestone cowboy hats and napkins to clean out Vinnie Paul’s bbq strainer. Hellyeah just wants to reward people for sticking with them all these years. Let’s take a look at some of the wonderful things they’re giving to their loyal fans.
$30 for a signed cd? An unsigned cd is half that. That seems a bit steep, what with the twilight of physical media upon us. Of course, you can’t really sign a digital download, so it’s nice to have something you can actually hold. Still, $30 for a cd in 2016 doesn’t seem quite right.
$50 voicemail from Chad Gray or Vinnie Paul. That’s a perfectly fair price, especially if you want to prank a friend.
“Heeeey, dis message is for Joe-Joe. It’s your main man Vinnie Paul! I heard you’re mah numbah one fan. Me and the Hellyeahs boys just wanna say thanks for ya support. If you’re ever at The Clubhouse in Dallas, stop by for some wings and titties, ya know what I mean? Heh heh heh! Getcha pull! Bring money!”
$80 for a disposable camera used by the band while on tour. If you really want to see Vinnie Paul’s ass that badly, you deserve to lose $80. Oh, but don’t worry. The cameras are “one of a kind”. Scratching out “CVS” on the camera doesn’t make it one of a kind. There’s only one left. Hopefully they only had one for sale.
$175 for signed Vinnie Paul signature drumsticks?! Are you crazy? You don’t even get a cd with them, just a digital download. It’s not like the drumsticks are rare. At the time of this writing, there are 48 left. You’re better off buying 175 $1 tacos.
$500 for a barbecue with the band. Now we’re talking. Let Hellyeah damage your body as well as your mind. Here’s your chance to talk about the finer points of “Murder Is Masturbation” with Tom Maxwell while stuffing a bratwurst into your mouth hole. For half a G, you can have a Super Soaker fight with Chad Grey while Vinnie Paul tries to find a hot dog he dropped in a kiddie pool. Of course, you have to provide your own transportation to either Dallas or Las Vegas, so this perk isn’t exactly $500.
$1000 to watch the band rehearse. It’s twice the price of the bbq without any food. See the band you like tune and fuck up songs in real time. Why spend $20 to see them live when you can spend $1000 to see them mess around for a couple of hours?
$30,000 for Vinnie Paul’s drum set. THIRTY. THOUSAND. DOLLARS. Oh, but you also get a $500 gift card to the Hellyeah store. If someone is willing to spend more than a new car’s worth of money, why not give them all that stuff and then give them a $500 gift card to somewhere a Hellyeah fan would enjoy like a Red Lobster?
I don’t doubt that the drum set is very nice, and I suppose one can use it as a conversation starter. Or a place for your tears after buyer’s remorse sets in. I guess a chunk of the money goes to shipping such a large and delicate order, so the price is actually reasonable when you think…
Shipping/handling isn’t included for the “ddrum” kit? What a load of alchohaulin’ ass.