Shirt Stains: Master Of Robeality
Generals gathered in their masses
I get comfy after I take a bath-ses
Have you ever wanted to be completely and totally ensconced by a piece of band merchandise? I mean just utterly surrounded by a band? Embraced by the wearable manifestation of the musical thing that you love? Sure you do. We’ve all been there, dying to be wrapped up like a merchandise mummy. But have you wanted to do that with merch repping a tour that happened almost 45 years ago? And do you want to do that after getting out of a soothing bubble bath? Well, now’s your chance!
Behold the Black Sabbath 1978 “Avengers” tour robe. Well, that’s specific. I know it was Black Sabbath’s final tour for a long time, but they’ve both toured and recorded new albums since then. If you were there, then you definitely want a robe to commemorate it because your old body hurts all the time and needs the soft cotton comfort. Your knees snap to the tune of Shock Wave. Your back pops to Sabbra Cadabbra. Your genitals sway to Snowblind.
The color scheme and shape makes it look like someone wanted to make a Coba Kai/SUNNO))) cosplay outfit. “Cobra Kai, dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo or die!” Johnny goes to sweep the leg, but it takes 20 minutes for him to move. Terry Silver shows up covered in cocaine. Actually, that last one fits pretty well.
Is $55 a lot for a robe? I don’t think so, but I’m not sure. I’m not a robe wearer. Nothing against them, I just never think about wanting to wear one. Next time I have a special spa day, I’ll have to consider picking this or other band robes up from Rock Robes. You can really be a “Geezer” with this bad boy at the senior living center. Or it gives you something to talk about at the steam house before you get all shvitzy.
Often times, I’ll ask “who is this for?” or “who wants this?” when discussing band merch. Honestly, this is perfect for Black Sabbath fans. Battle vests are out, band robes are in. Who says you can’t be all snuggly at Desertfest? You could hop into one of the pools at Psycho Las Vegas and then throw one of these on.
It’s also perfect for members of Black Sabbath. I 1,000,000% believe Ozzy shuffles around his mansion wearing this, calling out to Sharon, begging her to just let him rest for five minutes. The man has health problems, Sharon. Give him a break. You can still slap the Sabbath name onto all sorts of stuff and make enough money to fund your next self-serving documentary. Open a bunch of Black Sabbath mud baths where you can sell Black Sabbath robes, Black Sabbath aroma therapy incense, and Black Sabbath cucumber slices.