Shirt Stains: Kalmah Wants To Drain The Swamphony

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Kalmah Make America Swamp Again

Melodic Swamp Ass Metal

I’m sure you’ve heard it a million times already, but this month has been a year. Just two week’s into President Trump 2.0 and chaos has already ensued across multiple fronts. It’s all be a whirlwind of fuck and we’ve got four more years of this bullshit. So what does a faded Finnish melodic death metal band do when they see millions of people rightly freaking out? Piggyback off it with some dumbshit merchandise!

It’s 2025. It’s been TEN FUCKING YEARS since President Pigshit descended down from a golden escalator and unleashed that mind-numbing “Make America Great Again” slogan. That ugly-ass red hat proudly displaying a slogan drooled out of the mouths of empty-headed racists, misogynists, anti-Semites, and more has become a symbol for America’s shameful descent into fascism. It’s synonymous with him. There’s zero separation. “Make America Great Again” is Trump and Trump is “Make America Great Again”

Sure, I could point out all the awful things done by President Pumpkinfucker during his first administration. Yeah, I could talk about his four years since losing his reelection undermining the country at ever possible chance. Of course, I could talk about him buddying around with the meanest, cruelest fascists and neo-Nazis. I could even bring up how he wants to make concentration camps for immigrants and how, just yesterday, he blamed his political enemies for causing a tragic plane crash.

You all know this. And even the 8th most popular Finnish melo-death band knows this. So no, we don’t need to point all this out when questioning the wisdom of aping the slogan of someone whose brain is like tapioca and whose heart is colder than a bag of old frozen peas in the back of your freezer. Instead, I’d rather point out how this is all incredibly lazy and creatively bankrupt.

It bears repeating: It’s been TEN FUCKING YEARS since that stupid ‘MAGA’ saying was a thing. It’s been done. Bands did it with their merch back in 2016 and it sucked then. They at least had the miniscule benefit of it being a pop culture thing that they were trying to leech off of to make a weak buck. Then some tried to do it again in 2020 and guess what? It sucked in 2020 too. Now, in 2025, Kalmah is using it? Get the fuck out of here. Stick to reminding people why bands like Children of Bodom and Amorphis are successful and you’re in the “Oh, yeah. I remember them” section of metal. Maybe I’m expecting too much from a band that has members that are also in Clown Parade. How appropriate.

Why is Kalmah selling this dork crown now? Well, they’re playing 70000 Tons Of Metal cruise! What better piece of clothing to wear when you’re out at sea with no one to save you when you drunkenly slip off the deck and land ass-first onto an anchor. Y’know what? It’s perfect. With hundreds of metalheads suffering from norovirus stuck on a floating petri dish, you’ll want something to puke and shit into.

Is a hat like this worth getting upset? No, not really. There’s far more real and present things to deal with than some band being unfunny and uncreative. It’s just incredibly dull, dated, and played out. Oh, you did the thing with the slogan, but made a reference to your thing. Cool. If you’re a band that’s been around for 25 years, that blandness becomes the norm. It defines you. It washes away what you were and becomes what you are. And if what you are is this, then most people aren’t going to want it. Newer fans are already hard to come by and some old fans are not going to stick with you.

But hey, it got a few hundred likes on Instagram and almost nothing on Facebook. It was all worth it. Maybe President Mushmouth with give you a hearty thumbs up and talk about how you had tears in your eyes when you kissed his balls.

And, really, the “Kalmah Harris” joke was right there.

 

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