I’m going to level with you my dudes: This weekend has sucked a mighty butt.

I’ve been doing two people’s worth of work at my job all week, I only received half of my paycheck (yay processing errors), plane tickets I needed to buy doubled in price in the 2 day span of me looking at them and then receiving that halved paycheck (goodbye halved paycheck), I haven’t slept well in lord knows how long and it’s catching up to me, and a goddamn moth just landed in my beer as I was drinking it.

Next week does not look to offer any recompense aside from opening day as almost all of it will be dedicated to jury duty and heading off to Midland, TX: The even dustier and more pointless version of Lubbock [w. Note – There has never been a truer sentence typed on the internet.]. I know it’s not all bad and that these grievances are mere annoyances just aggravated by sleep deprivation, but my brain is one hundred percent fried. As such I figured we could all just have a nice relaxing day of just laughing at something terrible, and what better terrible movie to watch with strange internet people than 1989’s VHS cover art standout ELVES starring none other than Grizzly Adams himself, Dan Haggerty.

I cannot clearly recall the majority of the movie. The one time I watched it was in a hotel room in Olympia and I was FUCKED UP on some, uh, local soda. I do remember the general plot however: During an anti-Christmas ritual a woman cuts her hand, spills her blood on the ground, and awakens an ancient elf that turns out to be a part of a Neo-Nazi plot to finally conquer the earth with Hitler’s master race. Yes you are thinking correctly. Hitler’s master race wasn’t the tall, blonde haired, blue eyed Germans we all thought, but rather a bunch of knee high, failed toy peddling, knock off shit-goblins. If 2017 is anything to go by, this movie totally called the aesthetics of a modern Nazi.

So what do you say? Let’s all grab our beers of choice, kick back, and watch an out of season s0-bad-it’s-good creature feature.

P.S. BASEBALL IS BACK, GO RANGERS.