The Road to the Pooper Bowl – Week 5: Live Bloggin’
Good morning sports fans. Are you looking for Whiff of the Week? It’s taking the week off. Sorry homey. Instead, let’s live blog the NFL together.
Here’s the schedule for today. Be sure to let me know what you’re watching in the comments.
12:00 CST:
Bills at Lions
Ravens at Colts
Bears at Panthers
Browns at Titans
Steelers at Jaguars
Texans at Cowboys
Bucs at Saints
Falcons at Giants
Rams at Eagles
3:05 CST:
Cards at Broncos
Chiefs at 49ers
Jets at Chargers
7:30 CST:
Bengals at Patriots
Best Game of the Week History of Mankind:
There is only one game this week you should care about. None other in the history of the NFL can compare. The Ice Bowl in 1967? Dogshit. The ’82 Epic in Miami? No one cares. In the long lore of the NFL there are only two teams that matter: The Dallas Cowboys and the Houston Oilers Texans. Why? Because Texas is the best at everything. The Cowboys and the Texans were heavily discounted at the beginning of the season but are both off to an excellent start at 3-1.
These teams have not met since the Texans first year as a team in 2002. Because they exist in opposite conferences, a Texan (uh, person who lives in Texas) can generally get away with supporting both teams. That is not the case today. There is blood in the air and obesity on the ground in Dallas today. Which awful fanbase will prevail? I dunno, but if you have eyes and ears and legs and an ass you need to move your ass to your nearest television to watch this game.
Worst Game of the Week:
I could cheat and say Minnesota-Green Bay because it already happened and it was awful (seriously Minnesota, there’s a lot of you here, what the hell?) but I’ll just pick my two favorite punching bags and say Steelers at Jags. This game will be all the fun of a garbage fire.
Baseless Predictions of the Week:
Rex Ryan will inexplicably remain Jets head coach after they are destroyed by San Diego.
Rob Ryan will have visible nacho stains on his sweatshirt.
Worst Person on the Field:
It’s another week where the shittiest people are sitting in a league office, but you’re free to take your pick for players.
Uninformed Picks from a Bad Gambler:
Last week I told you to take the Lions at -2 and San Diego at -14. Those both paid off. Hooray! Then I told you to take Washington at -4. That did not pay off. Booo. My record on the year is 7-5.
This week I would take Carolina at -2.5, the Falcons at +4.5, and the Browns over Tennessee at even odds.
I’ll be with you making fun of football all day. Let’s get at it.
Football!
