Black Friday is for Assholes

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Thanksgiving is an American holiday in which we are encouraged to celebrate our friends and families. We are encouraged to take stock of the many blessings in our lives and to be grateful. We are encouraged to show our appreciation for the people that better our lives. We are encouraged to display the best human qualities. We are encouraged to consume alcohol and pumpkin pie. It is a very good holiday.

Black Friday is an American tradition in which consumers are encouraged to immediately forget about the lessons of the previous day and go out to purchase useless bullshit. Black Friday is the antithesis of Thanksgiving, and participating in it is akin to pissing on the best elements of human nature. In short, Black Friday is for assholes.


Yesterday the Black Friday shopper displayed compassion. Today, the milk of human kindness has curdled. Soccer moms will fight each other tooth and nail just for the privilege of purchasing some plastic garbage that their awful children will deposit in ever expanding landfills in short order. People camp out in the cold for hours to give money to big box retailers. Let me reiterate: grown men and women freely choose to forego the comforts of warmth and family for the opportunity to just buy some shit and possibly maim another human.

This is to say nothing of the American retail worker who is treated like subhuman shit on a regular day. On Black Friday? Shiiiiiit. Expect to take time away from friends and family on Thanksgiving so you can work insane hours in a possibly dangerous clusterfuck environment. Y’know, in addition to the day-to-day low pay, no benefits, and a lack of respect from customers. It’s almost enough to make a person strike.

What if you really need to buy some shit (maybe a new microwave)? In a predictable twist, you won’t actually save any money buying that shit on Black Friday. You do not need to purchase any consumer goods on Black Friday. There is no economic benefit to shopping on Black Friday.

A recent survey by personal finance site, NerdWallet.com, found that 23 out of 25 stores were offering at least one product at the exact same price as last year, while some stores had multiple deal repeats or offered better prices on certain products earlier in the year.

By participating in Black Friday, assholes are perpetuating an out-of-control system of consumerism that is choking our people and our planet to death. Stay home. Continue yesterday’s theme of appreciating the things you have. Buy less and use the things you have more. Ride your bicycle more often. Tell your friends and family that you love them. And for fuck’s sake, don’t be an asshole.


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