We typically like to think that heavy metal is a feel-good brotherhood of like-minded individuals straight from the pages of the novelization of Anchorman, but sometimes news surfaces that reminds us of how awful and petty metalheads can be. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the bassackwards and racist things knuckledraggers attending Maryland Deathfest have to say about the Baltimore riots. However, that isn’t the pugnacity I have in mind today. No, I’m referring to a much more treacherous form of backstabbing stolen straight from the devil’s playbook. Friends, let’s talk about the rapacious void of heavy metal litigation.

It came to my attention yesterday via the Facebook page of the best slug-themed death metal band on either side of the Mississippi, Slugdge, that death metal MEGA STARS Debauchery were suing folk metal heroes Cruachan and their record label Trollzorn. You remember Debauchery, right? The band formerly known as Maggotcunt? That death metal group whose band leader Thomas Gurrath was fired from his high school teaching job for being too trve and playing in a depraved, totes brutal death metal band? They recorded a cover of Rammstein‘s “Weißes Fleisch”, remember? You’re probably asking yourself why such a premier artistic act would want to pick on the little guys. Let’s take a gander at Slugdge’s post.

Now, I’m no lawyer, but that sounds a bit iffy to me. I’ve been advised by my legal consultant Joseph B. Thrashenmetzger that this seems to be a case of what’s called “patent trolling”. For those of you unaware, patent trolling is a common practice in the tech (no, not the Jack Bauer kind) industry wherein an entity preemptively files a patent without actually developing a product so that they may sue the second party that does inevitably develop that product. Nine out of ten humans agree that that’s a total dick move, so shame on you, Gurrath.

What makes this matter even more bizarre is that the “Blood God” referred to by Gurrath is actually Khorne, the demon lord of bloodlust owned and developed by the notoriously greedy Games Workshop Group PLC, creators of the virginity-preserving table-top miniature game Warhammer 40,000. Are Games Workshop unaware that Gurrath has placed a copyright on one of their own IPs? Will the karmic equalizer of Hammurabi’s Code come striking down upon Debauchery with great vengeance and furious anger? I wouldn’t be surprised.

If there’s justice in this world, some pencil-neck WH40K players will be standing outside the courthouse blasting this song the day Gurrath gets remanded.

UPDATE: It now appears that Cruachan and Debauchery have worked things out. VIA Cruachan’s Facebook page: