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I Have A New Philosophy In Life And It’s Called…

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…Olenyksinäinenlihavanörtti

Which roughly translates into “I recognize the necessity of applying sympathy into your situation, but I am a little busy listening to Bal-Sagoth’s Apocryphal Rites, the 2013 re-release of their 1993 demo with some added bonus tracks, such as “Hyperborean Requiem”, an experimental piece dating all the way back to 2004.” and is guaranteed to make your life infinitely better, just as it made mine.

It needs to be stated that unlike many of the works of the brightest minds of their times – Rousseau, Kant, Heidegger, Himanen, Arkesilaos, Kǒng Qiū or Husserl, it has yet to be met with any considerable criticism, and as such to be considered completely and utterly infallible. It’s ingenious in it’s simplicity, so watertight, so logical a stance, that you’ll doubtless end up scorning yourself for not getting with it sooner.

Let’s try it.

One of your so called friends, a person whom you’ve been acquainted with for two days in a Facebook group (we both know you do not have friends), approaches you with a recommendation of Highly Acclaimed Metal Release, revealing himself for a filthy, entry-level poser who knoweth not the secret of steel, or the mystery of metal. With a simple rebuttal of “Yes, I have heard that Random Metal Blog gave it five flaming turds, but why would I listen to it, when I can listen to Bal-Sagoth’s Apocryphal Rites, the 2013 re-release of their 1993 demo with some added bonus tracks, such as “Hyperborean Requiem”, an experimental piece dating all the way back to 2004 instead?” will leave your foe staggered and speechless.

That one really nice girl met at that one basement punk benefit show for the conscientious objector’s union you were nervous to talk to, but still seems to have taken a liking to you calls you and asks if you would like to join her in a follow-up show featuring Even Better Punk Band and Extremely Good Live Band, and you already know you have the perfect response ready with “I have been led to understand that Even Better Punk Band puts on an extremely good live show, but why should I attend when I can spend that time listening to Bal-Sagoth’s Apocryphal Rites, the 2013 re-release of their 1993 demo with some added bonus tracks, such as “Hyperborean Requiem”, an experimental piece dating all the way back to 2004 instead?” and she’s certain to be impressed, and join you in your endeavor to unravel the mysteries of steel and secrets of metal.

You’re at home, enjoying yourself, when your now-wife calls you to let you know that she’s gone into labour, and after racking your brain you realize she isn’t talking about the political party, and see that she’s most likely going to ask you to join her in the hospital, for comfort. It’s always something, first this, and next you’ll be making a Flo Rida-shaped costume for your daughter’s school presentation, or having to partake in her life in some other, equally nasty way. You know what to do, just say “I’d love to be able to join you but I can’t really see the benefits when I could listen to Bal-Sagoth’s Apocryphal Rites, the 2013 re-release of their 1993 demo with some added bonus tracks, such as “Hyperborean Requiem”, an experimental piece dating all the way back to 2004 instead.” and you’ll have avoided the damned nuisance. The best part is, you don’t even really have to listen to Bal-Sagoth’s Apocryphal Rites, the 2013 re-release of their 1993 demo with some added bonus tracks, such as “Hyperborean Requiem”, an experimental piece dating all the way back to 2004, you could, say, watch a re-run of the Finland-Sweden Hockey World Championship League Final Match From 1995 just like your father did when you were being birthed instead. I mean, I don’t know why would you rather do anything besides listen to it, unless you were a gargantuan poser. But I guess you could start by pretending you’re not a walking, breathing, speaking, defecating pile of disappointment and move your way towards the secrets of mysteries and metal of steel.

And thus, you’ve avoided all of those small complications that so many others claim to be an inevitable part of life, and ensured that no one will ever bother you again with their poser-ass issues. Life is bad, Bal-Sagoth’s Apocryphal Rites, the 2013 re-release of their 1993 demo with some added bonus tracks, such as “Hyperborean Requiem”, an experimental piece dating all the way back to 2004 is good. Get on with the program.

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