I Lied About Being A Hardcore Man And Got Caught In Stranglehold: The Good, The Bad & The (Z)ugly Of Ivar Nikolaisen

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It is an underrated, exquisite art to including more pomp in a headline than the entire rest of the article it’s meant to caption.

By now the news have surely hit you. Erlend Hjelvik has stepped down from his duties as the vocalist and owl-man of Kvelertak. You’ve probably been thinking, like I have, how good their self-titled debut was. How fresh did the combination of punk, heavy and black metal with fine chunk of good ol’ rock and/or roll feel? Trying to remember how constant its rotation was for three whole years, as you awaited for its all-too aptly titled follow-up, Meir. The bitter disappointment has likely made its way back to your taste buds. But you still remember having fun with it, it wasn’t all bad. Old salt makes for thirsty men, and you’re no different. So in all likelihood, you put on the video to “Evig Vandrar” just to see if things could still work out between the two of you.

If you’re anything like me, you and Meir immediately seemed to find a mutual wavelength; you’ve had your needle scrape her surface non-stop for the last week or so, and you’ve never been happier. Although, just yesterday you visited Nattesferd, from whose thin, lizzy-like arms offered the comfort you thought you had lost forever. Or you’re just not like me at all, and haven’t really cared that Erlend, unlike originally planned, stepped down before completing the festival season. And if this is the case, you probably didn’t take notice that the name “Ivar Nikolaisen” had already appeared on the self-titled debut, a vocalist by that name having guested on “Blodtørst”.

And since I’d be willing to bet that you’re actually not at all that much like me, you haven’t been jamming Nikolaisen’s other band – The Good, The Bad and The Zugly’s – latest, Misanthropical House since January. And you need to rectify this. Now.

“Misanthropical House is a very emotional album. It reflects the Norwegian way of life and hodgepodge of values we share, most often taking the form of complaining and whining. GBZ want whining back in punk! 

You see, there’s no end to the bodily decay we’re facing as the band members are approaching middle age: Haemorrhoids, fungus, obesity, hair loss, moderate depressions and hangovers of course. What else can you expect?

As if this wasn’t enough, Little Steven, who accidently stumbled across the band playing at their local bar, Last Train, declared: “It’s the worst band I’ve seen in Norway! No doubt! Probably the worst band in the world!”

But GBZ smile nevertheless. A fake smile of course. But that’s how the conservatives won the election in Norway, so no doubt, this will be a success! There is a lot of money and a lot of friends in fake smiles.”

How could this not be pure, unadultered fun?

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