Shirt Stains: Leggings


Get some man pants.

Autumn has fallen upon us (see what I did there?) once again. The leaves are turning. Baseball playoffs are on there way. Football season has begun in earnest (fuck the Patriots). Pumpkin everything is now on sale. The air is starting to get cooler. And do you know what comes with the cooler weather? LEGGINGS! What, did you think I was going to say “Hoodies”? You have to work on your reading comprehension. Leggings was right there in the title. As punishment, you must have one Halloween Whopper, one Pumpkin Spice Latte, some Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts, and some sadness Oreos.

Aborted – ABORTED


Leggings aren’t necessarily gender specific, but I don’t think it’s a big leap to say that most leggings wearers are female. That’s why it’s kind of odd to see leggings with ABORTED printed on them. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. People are free to like and support ABORTED as much as they want. Supporting ABORTED is your right. Wearing ABORTED merch is your right. Having to deal with people in the supermarket whispering “Oh my gawd!” when they read ABORTED is your right. Sure they can be worn by trolls that just want to shock in real-time. And yes, of course, there are “ladytrolls out there.

Ultimately, the symbol and the band’s logo are fine. Not a bad design at all. It’s not hideously colored or distorted in any way. It just, y’know, says ABORTED on it. But hey, when you need to go to yoga class and everything else is in the hamper, you have to make do.

Black Dahlia Murder – What A Horrible Night To Have A Crotch Monster



Here are leggings for The Black Dahlia Murder’s Abysmal album. I think. It’s a little hard to tell with only a small fraction of the album’s extensive artwork being used to cover your gams. The artwork isn’t continuous, so it’s a little hard to make things out. In fact, it kind of looks like some sort of horrible crotch monster is about to emerge from your nether regions with these leggings. No, Lord Groinacus! I have done as you asked! Your dankness has spread forth across the land and enveloped all those that would worship you. All hail Groinacus! All hail the mighty V shape!

BDM are known for being wacky fellas, so I hope that was on purpose. I would very much like to see BDM vocalist Trevor Strnad rock these leggings while wandering around Warped Tour, teaching the young ones about His Crotchiness, Lord Groinacus. Just set up a booth next to The Truth bus and co-opt their message. Start ’em while they’re young, Trevor. Go forth!

Amon Amarth


I’m pretty sure this is a bootleg. I mean, I really hope it’s a bootleg. On the one hand, it’s kind of weird to think that there’s bootleg metal leggings out there. On the other, I really hope Amon Amarth hasn’t commissioned a series of band leggings with poorly transferred versions of their album art. Vocalist Johan Hegg is a fun guy, but this is more of a Jared Leto-as-the-Joker kind of fun that no one wants to see.

This pair of leggings is supposed to show Amon Amarth’s Surtur Rising. “Supposed to” is the correct phrase because it manages to cut out almost all of Surtur. We don’t even get the band’s full name on the front and for whatever reason, whoever created this (in the dimly-lit basement of some former Soviet Republic, no doubt) decided to make the top look as if it were a war-torn battle flag. Maybe it was to stop from being sued? Haven’t Amon Amarth suffered enough from bootleggers? The Odinson may be the protector of mankind, but he has a blind spot for bad merch.

Rings of Saturn




Nice to see Frodo getting some modeling work, though.

Kamelot – Exercise A little


Nothing quite says “I’ve given up for the day” like slapping on some sweatpants. Kudos to Kamelot for knowing their audience by making branded sweatpants. I can only hope the backside has Eternity printed on it. Or maybe Siege Perilous. Or The Black Halo. Actually, just about any of their album titles would be a good metaphor for a butt.

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