Let’s go to the Renaissance Faire!


Good morning upon ye, my metal brothers and sisters! Hath the swaddling darkness of the preceding night rested thy spirit? Let me ask thee a question: art thou bored? Doth thou wish to break with tradition of reading ye Privy Ove Helle and embrace ways most honourable? Doth thou wish to see wench cleavage spilleth over bodices with gleeful abandon and wield a blade most fearful to thine enemies? Then accompany me, if thou wilt, to ye grande olde renaissance faire!

Many a hero and foe pass through the gates of this village; some to trade, some to conquer, and some perhaps to find love with a eye-pleasing forest sprite, perchance. Woe then, fellow adventurer, that my own legacy hath such a fate, although I don’t talk about Samantha anymore because she fucking broke up with me in the glass-blowing tent last year, fucking bullshit…

I mean, let us quaff the many wonders of olde times to slake our thirst for glory! Onward!


Look yonder! ‘Tis a horrid man-beast with flaming horns and markings of war! Surely some vile forces hath conjured up whatever eye-concealing machinations he wears upon his brow! Keep thine eyes vigilant, for he may try an attack come dusk!


Here be the dark monk Gary, who also selleth herbs of smoking in the parking lot. Ignoreth the child-carriage astride him, for it carries an heir not of his loins.


Gaze upon this villainous armour of the black-winged hordes of Lucifer! Perhaps we shall catch a glance of the clandestine Emperor Magus Caligula as he swingeth by for repairs on his frostbitten stage ensemble! Leather is a cruel mistress friends, as it casts an impressive sheen to maidens but scratcheth a hero’s man-boobs to no end.


Huzzah! ‘Tis Sir Elton John of olde! Holdeth me closer, pygmy jester! Counteth the torch lights on the battlement!


Here be the stout green man of this faire village, drinking deeply from his goblet of wine made of grapes from his very head. ‘Tis said that he bears distant relation with the legendary day man (fighter of the night man), a champion of the sun and master of an unknown combating skill of Asian origin.


MOM GET OUT OF THE PICTURE! I SAID I’D MEET YOU AT THE JOUSTING CONTEST IN TWENTY MINUTES! God she always does this to me… I mean, my mother is a fair but stern matron, although she casts her shadow upon my daring feats more often than I would have it. Shall we continue, then?


Hark! The black demons reveal themselves! Reacheth for thy foam-covered weapons of LARPing, my brave companions! To war!


Aagh, shield thy ears for the succubus plays thee a song of death! Swingeth thy weapons wildly with no regard for the surrounding peasants! They are casualties of our glory! Payeth no attention to mine sweat stains, for I consumed much Mountain Dew Voltage prior to our entrance and the accursed caffeine casts its spell upon me still!


Alas, this place doth hold much sorrow in my heart, for it is where the witch-maiden and I parted ways many months ago, yet always do I feel the bitter sting of the poison arrow of her being such a bitch about it…


OH FUCK THERE SHE IS NOW, fuck fuck fuck! I knew she was coming today too, why did I still buy tickets? Ignore my ramblings fellow questors! Look not upon yonder skank-enchantress who clove my heart in twain and littered my apartment with her Etsy-bound peasant craftings, for she is a siren that hath many spells of romancing with which to splinter thy resolve!


God she looks amazing, she lost so much weight… Be not concerned at my duress, adventurers! For I hath simply the need to cast off the effects of her passive-aggressive “our relationship has become stale” bitchcraft! I cannot help my desires to lay about my one-bedroom castle for days upon end making play-war upon my screen of magic! It relaxeth me!


What’s this? She casts aloft a lustful glance and a wave of her hand which last wielded a middle finger at me… upon whom does she wish it to land? What doomed soul shall suffer my same fate?


OH GODDAMMIT NO! NO! NOT THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE KYLE! He only got that stupid faun character job because his fuckface of an uncle runs the chainmail store! Fuck! Fuuuuuuuucck! She was always talking about how much fun he seemed, wow I’m so incredibly stupid.

It was right in front of my face the whole time… if I had only cleaned up once in awhile, eased up on the Skyrim, taken her out to dinner like when we first met… I could have prevented the whole thing. The entire last year could have been so different. So much better. I miss her so much…

Uh… so, my fellows of the quest for glory, I uh, I hath reached the end of my rope for this day. My heart and mind are rent asunder like so many watermelons upon my apartment lawn as I strove for ultimate sharpness of my recreation Legolas knives. Now I shall take my leave of thee and seek out the one, true thing that bathes my soul in heavenly light while also bathing my gullet in blissful, fleshy goodness.



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