Metal Recipes: Spawn ov the Ocean Slowly Throttled by Snaking Tendrils ov Doom


For those who thirst, there is beer. For those who hunger, there is this. For those who pose, there is nothing.

Greetings, Toileteers. Being more than a little obsessed with food, I decided to share a recipe I figured out the other day. It’s cheap, quick, healthy, and doesn’t require any advanced technique. Disclaimers: this dish is spicy and not vegetarian-friendly. Also, if you don’t like sardines, tough titty. Start to finish, it takes 20 minutes (tops) and costs … dunno, maybe a couple bucks per meal.

You will need:

  • 1 small(ish) package soba noodles
  • Approx. 2 cups chopped veggies ov your choice (I used asparagus, broccolini, and diced portabellas).
  • 1 can sardines
  • 2-3 cloves garlic
  • 1 inch ginger, or slightly less
  • Cooking oil (I prefer sesame oil for this, but whatever works)
  • Soy sauce
  • Fish sauce
  • Chili oil
  • Sriracha

1. Set a medium saucepan full ov water on to boil (no salt needed). Once it’s boiling, cook the soba noodles for about 4 minutes. Drain in a colander and rinse under cold water until they’re cool. Set aside.

2. Drink a beer or take a shot. Play a short song to clear your head. I used Nails to great effect.



3. Chop your veggies (if you haven’t already). Peel and finely chop the ginger and garlic, but keep them separate from the veggies.

4. Sacrifice the ginger and garlic peels to the Goat.


5. Heat a 12” skillet over medium heat. Once hot, add 1-2 T ov cooking oil, enough to coat the bottom of the pan. Wait a few seconds for the oil to heat through, then dump your veggies in along with a generous splash ov soy sauce. Stir well to coat the veggies and cook them for about 3-4 minutes, stirring occasionally.

6. Use the aroma emanating from the pan as an invocation to culinary brutality.


7. Add the garlic, ginger, and sardines. Stir well and don’t cook for too long, as garlic burns very easily. Once you add them, I recommend cooking for about the length of “Eyeball Gore” by Iron Reagan, but not much longer. Play that song as you’re cooking so you’ll have a timer, provided here for your convenience.



8. In a large bowl, combine the noodles with the contents ov the skillet. Add a generous drizzle of soy sauce, about 1 T ov chili oil, and fish sauce and salt and pepper to taste. Toss them all together, adding Sriracha if you’re a weirdo like me and want a lot ov heat.

9. Drink another beer, because the finish line is in sight and you’ve earned it, you responsible master of food dorkery.

10. Consume. Makes at least 2 servings, maybe 4, maybe even more, depending on how piggy you are.The dish should come out balanced as follows, flavor-wise: the substance ov the soba noodles, the crunch and zest ov the veggies, the saltiness ov soy, the umami ov fish sauce, and the savoriness ov the sardines, with the chili oil providing some much-needed heat. If you want a little acidity, squeeze lime over the finished product.


The tendrils surface.

Pat yourself on the back, for you have just adulted successfully. Hell, if you double or triple the beer ration, you may even have a buzz by dinnertime.

(Photo via)

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