Live For Metal, Fight For Metal, Gamble For Metal
Riding the Crazy Train all the way to the poor house.
If you’re reading this site, you like heavy metal or you’ve gotten turned around while exploring your toilet-based fetish. In either case, you clearly have a love and passion that has lead you down a specific path in life. You don’t just like metal (or, y’know that toilet stuff, which is fine, whatever, no judgement, but this probably isn’t the site you’re looking for): you love it. You crave it. It’s not just the music that you like. It’s the themes, the aura, the feel of it all.
You see metal performed live. You wear the shirts. You watch the DVDs and Youtube clips. You even enjoy metal-adjacent things like metal–themed restaurants, cookbooks, bicycles, and all other sorts of crap. The point is, if it’s metal, it’s probably for you. That’s why Metal Casino is such an interesting business.
Metal Casino is, as it’s name suggests, a metal-themed virtual casino. It’s operated by MT SecureTrade Limited, an organization that runs several online casinos. Oh, and they’re registered in Malta. I don’t know much about the online gambling word, but it may be a similar reason as US companies registering in the state of Delaware. Online gambling isn’t legal in the United States, though that may change soon after a recent ruling by the Supreme Court essentially legalizing sports gambling.
While the site boasts a wide array of non-metal casino games with enticing names like “Leprechaun Goes To Hell” and “Dwarfs Gone Wild”. There are also actual metal-themed games. There’s a Megadeth game that unfortunately only brings up a black screen when I try to play it. While I’m sad that I won’t get to hear Dave Mustaine’s heavenly voice spouting offensive nonsense whenever I hit a “6-6-6”, an empty void is an appropriate result. At least we still get Dave’s come-hither stare. His eyes say “keep gambling” but his lips say “They’re taking God out of the schools to dumb us down.”
We also get a Candlemass game called “House Of Doom”. This one I can actually play. I have no idea what I’m doing, so I make random money adjustments and hit play. The wheels spin until I hit the right algorithm and am rewarded the new Candlemass song and more free plays. Woooo!
Losing your rent money to the sounds of Candlemass may not sound like fun, but luckily, Metal Casino has an impressive list of “Ambassadors” giving you the a-okay to keep clicking. They brought out the big guns with some product placement and well-known endorsers.
They’ve got Scott Ian from Anthrax, SOD, and VH1 fame:
Gary Holt of Exodus and Slayer fame:
They also have Dave Ellefson, Nita Strauss, Bumblefoot, ummm…some of the people from Backyard Babies, and Lord Ahriman from Dark Funeral. Kind petered out at the end, but the idea of Lord Ahriman hunched over his laptop in complete grimboi outfit trying to win back the 5000 Krona he already lost tickles me greatly.
Still not convinced. Well, they also have the Prince Of Darkness himself, Ozzy Osbourne. He even filmed some ads in them that are…well, take a look.
Hell, I’m convinced! If Ozzy says it’s really, really good, then it must be really, really good. Now where’s the line to snort ants? If that’s not enough for you, here’s Ozzy talking about how Lemmy was an avid slot player. I can’t seem to find the Motorhead game on their website, so we’ll just have to live vicariously through the fingertips of the star of Little Nicky.
The colors! The flashing lights! Guitars! Ozzy babbling! I can see how people would be willing to dump real money into a computer a flash game. They even give you a chance to win random pieces of metal merchandise! It’s all exciting and dazzling, appealing to your metal sensibilities.
I can also see how this type of thing can easily manipulate and separate people from their money. At least with a real casino you have to put pants on, venture outside, and occasionally interact with people. Maybe you’ll even get a comped meal at the buffet or some drinks. With online gambling, you can go broke while sitting in your SpaghettiOs-stained undies. Sorry little Jimmy, Daddy blew your college savings because Ozzy told him to do it. Fun!
Look, I’m not much of a gambler. The occasional MegaMillions or Powerball ticket is about it. It’s just not my thing. Maybe I watched too many family sitcoms in the 90’s where characters bet it all only to lose and have to think of a wacky plan to get out of debt, but the fear is real. These games are designed to take your money, especially if you’re easily susceptible to the lure of winning big. Now places like Metal Casino are gunning for the metalhead market. Does this work with other gambling outlets? Are we going to see Soundcloud Rapper or Tumblr slots?
It all seems a little weird, but maybe I’m just being cynical. There are probably a few people out there that would be really psyched to spend their alimony on a Five Finger Death Punch or Bad Wolves slot game. Some black metallers would trade all their skull goblets and daggers to see three smiling Varg faces pop up and bestow upon them the internet money. If you’ve got a hole burning through your wallet, but don’t want to gamble it away, you can always toss a few bucks to the Toilet Ov Hell patreon. That’s so much more satisfying.