Metal-Themed Costumes To Win Halloween
Because the internet has determined that Halloween is a contest, despite no rules or prizes given out.
Phil Labonte-Ayn Rand Couples Costume
This one is for you and your sweetie. One of you can be everyone’s favorite free market-loving, shitty book-writing, dumpster fire of a human being who appeals mostly to 20-something males that have taken an econ class at the local community college. The other can be some guy with nipple rings that loves guns and really wanted to be in Killswitch Engage, but failed badly, and continued on with his butt-rock autotune band. Together, you can make lots of people feel uncomfortable with your gross make-out sessions and seething hatred of feminists. Don’t forget your pocket Constitutions!
Earache Records’ one true love, Blackberry Smoke Couples Costume
Here’s another couples costume. Break out your hippie wig, button up your nicest all-natural silk shirt, and sprinkle on some patchouli. When people ask what you’re supposed to be, have a friend wear a “Hi I’m Earache Records” sticker and praise you as the new greatest Southern rock band of all time. Then you can each take a classic metal album from Earache’s catalog and proceed to wipe your ass with it.
You’re going to be the bell of the ball with this little ensemble. All you need is a sturdy table and a picture of everyone’s favorite drumming troll, Lars Ulrich. Just be cautious when going through doorways and if you need any drum fills. Make sure to yell “GIMME FOOL, GIMME FIYAH, GIMME YABBADABBADO!” to hammer home that you’re a Metallica costume.
Tim Lambesis, Prisoner #24601
This one should be easy. Just get a prisoner jump suit, look really really sad, clutch a bible, and have backne from using steroids. Don’t use steroids? Have a friend slather your back in strawberry jam. Or just have them use a red pen to draw some dots. Get creative with it! [W. – Tim Vantim?]
Rich Uncle Spotify
Your musician friends will really appreciate this creative costume…right after they’ve finished asking everyone at the party for a ride home. It’s no secret that musicians don’t receive a lot of money from Spotify. When you make notoriously shitty label Victory Records look like a victim, you’re definitely the villain. Who knows? Maybe you’ll hook up with a Sexy Pandora and stream beautiful music together.
I’m an Abbathy girl, in an Abbathy world! This costume allows you to be sexy and frostbitten. You can serenade everyone with your mashup renditions of “Sons Of Northern Dark Horse”, “In My Kingdom Hot n Cold,” and “I Kissed A Cryptic Winterstorms”. If you’re handy, you can make a cupcake bra that shoots out goat’s blood.
Are you more of a Team TayTay person than a Team Katy? Well this one’s for you. All you need is a bit of makeup, some hairspray, blood-encrusted leather pants, a stinky black shirt, and a homemade gauntlet. The one problem with this costume is that it’s entirely possible that Gaahl may be wearing this very costume at the party you’re attending. Aaaaawwwkward!
Vinnie Paul’s Chin
Uggghhh….oh god….it’s smells like a mixture of tobacco juice, Frank’s Red Hot Sauce, and stale Milwaukee’s Best. It’s like a yeti cock with mange. Just grab some hair from your local barbershop, roll it around on the floor of Balloons Strip Club, and paste it on your face. Throw Hellyeah cds at people for some serious authenticity.
Five Finger Death Punch Fan
Step into a life-size Truck Nutz, dip yourself in Monster Energy Drink and yell random military slogans at anyone that comes within a 50 foot radius. This goes well with camo cargo shorts, a trucker hat, and tribal tattoos.
Make the entire room blow their load with this crowd-pleaser. Just be a cool motherfucker and you’ll win all the internet points and all the Buzzfeed posts and all the Snapchats and whatever-the-fuck else kids do these days. Ayyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Happy Halloween, flushers!