Mysterious Black Sarcophagus Found to Be Full of Goregrind


A shocking discovery for historians everywhere.

Weeks ago a mysterious black sarcophagus was uncovered in Alexandria, Egypt. The tomb had remained unopened for thousands of years, presumably because we all assumed it was full of gross dead dudes so there was no need for further investigation. The superstitiously inclined among us looked upon the ancient obsidian sarcophagus and warned that unleashing the innards would release a timeless curses or perhaps an otherworldly plague. Ultimately, extremely nosey archaeologists prevailed and the decision was made to open the sarcophagus in search of, perhaps, the missing corpse of Alexander the Great or maybe even some cool treasure to steal. Yesterday a team was assembled and the lid was pried from the ominous black coffin. Much to the dismay of all, Alexander the Great was not inside. Nor were there any jewels to pawn. What was they discovered was much, much worse.

According to Egyptian news agency El-Watan, archaeologists were able to lift the lid of the sarcophagus by just 2 inches before a Reek of Putrification forced them all to leave the room immediately. None of the researchers had counted on the unbearable stench they would encounter when the coffin was Exhumed. With the assistance of the military, the lid was finally completely removed and the Sublime Cadaveric Decomposition was exposed.

“This is fuckin’ nasty dude”, Zahi Hawass, Egypt’s Director of Antiquities, was quoted as saying. “And those toilet vox are just fuckin’ greasy”, he continued.

Sources tell us that the discovery process is slowed as researchers cannot stop arguing about the validity of pitch shifted vocals. We’ll keep you updated with the latest.

(Images via REUTERS/Mohamed Abd El Ghany, /AFP/Getty Images)

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