Review – Starbucks – Unicorn Frappucino

April 28, 2017

4666

I had a dream that a day would come when heaven and hell would be united as one for all eternity. Did my dream come true with Starbucks’s new Unicorn Frappucino?

The air was crisp after days of rain. It reminded me of autumn. I stopped on my way to the door as I asked myself, “Could the weather itself be more perfect than the perfect season for consuming gourmet coffee based beverages?” I chuckled quietly and zipped up my Blind Guardian onesie and clutched my Yoko body pillow as I took the final steps to the entrance to paradise. My sweaty palms had trouble grasping the door handle, but after two tries I managed to tighten my grip enough to yank it open. The aroma of the finest and most exotic, freshly cut coffee beans wafted into my nostrils, and my heart began racing at a pace it had nearly forgotten. The emissaries of the gods of taste greeted me on sight. “Welcome to Starbucks!”

At this point, my heart was beating too fast. My vision began blurring, and I knew I had only moments to make it to a chair before my heaving body would crack the earth below me with its girth. Stumbling clumsily, I managed to take a few steps in the direction of a stool before losing control of my legs. I twisted and fell, the chair taking my rotund form and skidding across the floor with an unholy screech. It lurched backward violently, and the ceiling came into view as hope died in my soul. After a loud thud and a sneeze like a grunt forced itself from my throat, the world darkened.

When I came to, a blurry figure hovered over me. “Fabio, is that you? Have you come to take me to Italy?” The image sharpened, and revealed itself to be a strikingly beautiful young woman, now looking quite confused. Warmness filled my body, and as I began to sit up, I determined that this absolutely was the woman of my dreams. I decided to get on one knee and take the fine lady’s hand. “M’lady, it would be my honor if I would be allowed the privilege to court you, love you, and protect you, even until death.” I planted my finest kiss on her hand, but despite my chivalry and honor, she snatched it away from me before I could remove my lips.

“You freak, what the hell is wrong with you?”

I should have seen it the second I saw how pretty she was. Like every pretty girl I had ever seen and asked to date me, girls this pretty are too good for nice guys like me. “I was so nice to you, and this is how you repay me? I deserve a chance to be with you after how nice I’ve been. Don’t come crawling to me when you realize you’ve friend-zoned every nice, chivalrous guy around you and you get stuck with some jerk who has reasonable hobbies, a decent career with room for advancement, and good hygiene!”

I stormed away, but before I could reach the door, I remembered my true objective. My resolve was iron, and I would have my prize. I pivoted on one foot, other leg outstretched and rotating clockwise towards the counter, and marched toward the uncomfortable looking barista. Of course it was another pretty girl. I thought to myself, “I can’t wait to tell all the guys on r/Incel about how terrible the matriarchy treated me today. Fucking PC SJWs.” As she began to open her mouth to speak, I decided to strike first.

“May I t-”

“I’LL HAVE ONE UNICORN FRAPPUCINO, VENDATI!” I glowered my most intimidating stare directly at her, which I’d honed in hours of roleplaying sessions as a half-orc barbarian named Yapcha.

“We don’t have those.”

My anger rushed out of me like steam in the form of a shrill, high pitched shriek. I didn’t break eye contact with the barista once.

“IMPOSSIBLE! IT HASN’T EVEN BEEN A WEEK!”

“It was only a four-day promotion; we ran out on Sunday. Better luck next time.”

The barista walked away from the counter. Hate and anger poured out of my body as I slammed both fists against the counter. How could I have missed this?! In my state, I did not notice the drops of sweat and tears dripping faster and faster from my face and pooling onto the counter. After years of happily supporting Starbucks, THIS is how they treat me!? I closed my fists, rose, walked as calmly as I could manage to the door, and left.

I don’t know how many hours I spent crying in the parking lot. After years of never missing a seasonal Starbucks drink, how could I fail now? My entire life was for nothing if I could not be an expert on this one topic. I had read reviews that all agreed: “The Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino tastes like total ass.” Despite the overwhelming consensus, I could not trust filthy normies to correctly assess the actual flavors possessed by this most mystical of all Starbucks drinks. Surely something as magnificently power metal as a UNICORN FLAVORED DRINK could not have a taste so vile and wretched! Sadly, I will never know, and the world will never know what this Starbucks expert thinks of it.