Stupid Metal Archives Bands Is the Facebook Page You Need in Your Life


It’s like a daily boost of confidence.

Take a break from staring at pictures of babies and your co-workers’ dogs and check out Stupid Metal Archives Bands, a group dedicated to rooting out the most lolbuttz entries on the internet’s endless void of overwashed black t-shirts and broken MySpace links: the Metal Archives.

The Metal Archives (or the “Encyclopaedia Metallum” if you’re a complete nerd) is scarily efficient at finding and cataloging even the most unconnected, uninteresting goth kids who ever bought a BC Rich Warlock for $100 and half-assedly made a free band webpage in order to post a 26 second guitar riff demo. For example, I just now made up a band in my head. I guarantee within 6 hours it will have a Metal Archives entry, complete with band logo, album release date and song titles (if you’re curious, track 2 is called Lord Cockblast’s Fanciful Fuck Party).

Browsing through the Facebook page, they appear to be doing excellent work. Let’s take a look at some of the gems they’ve unearthed so far.

Rose Cream Rose Scream



You see, when a bunch of dorks and an entire country love each other very much…

Spirits of Abomination



More like spellcheck of abomination, am I right?! *high five* I weep for the family members that had to purchase Hot Topic gift cards for Christmas & birthdays to fuel this pile of ass.

Impaled Northern Moonforest Northern Forest



In addition to mastering portraits in MS Paint, this guy had seventy-fucking-six releases (I counted) between 2010 and 2013. Granted, they’re all discarded Darkthrone song titles, but still.

Brotherhood of Trucknutz Spine


From the “southern metal” capital of the world (Bloomington, IL apparently) comes four hairy sacks of pork rollin’ into your town along the train tracks, the most metal of all promo pic spots, to cause trouble, raise hell & roll coal brother!


Hey wait I recognize that one guy!

Basic Necromancy



Says it all, really. Be sure to check out their full promo pic for maximum wtf.



Elastic waist denim ist krieg.

Check out Stupid Metal Archives Bands on Facebook.

(all images via their bands MA pages)

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