Who Cares About Music When You’ve Got Flabby Folds (of Flesh)?


BBW Death Metal? 

It has been a week, my people. Pillard finally got the can from Disma, after pulling a stunt with his Stürmfuhrer band despite having previously agreed with the rest of Disma not to do so anymore, apparently. Winners of the 53rd annual Band That’s Gonna Save Rock ‘N/Or Roll From Dying -awards, Greta Van Fleet promises to save rock and roll in 2019 as well with a brand new album up their anuses. A definitely “remorseful and rehabilitated” Bobby Liebling is going on tour with Pentagram, Victor Griffin bailed. I perfected my Bal-Sagoth collection by acquiring their demo material and Maudling brothers are going to be releasing a new album of Bol-Saggity goodness as Kull. A name that has had me giggling like a schoolgirl all year because apparently I am 5. You see asking someone if they’ve heard the new Kull in Finnish essentially translates into inquiring if you’ve stuck a penis in your ear lately. I haven’t slept in two years. I’m supposed to hibernating right now. This is what happens when you deny a bear his hibernation.

The thing is, my people, that I like Autopsy. I really like Autopsy. Like, a lot-lot. Especially the two first albums, and especially Mental Funeral. But I do also have a soft spot for later Autopsy. Both Macabre Eternal and The Headless Ritual have plenty of those twisted riffs that I’m all about, but neither is really great or thoroughly endearing. Tourniquets, Hacksaws and Graves outright dropped the ball and the EPs that have followed make it hard to remember that you’re listening to Autopsy and not Abscess with a doom-ish riff every 20 minutes. Except Puncturing The Grotesque, which has jams. Like the above-linked title track which sees the band trying to sloppily drag their way through a speed metal song.

I would rather listen to any of those than whatever your skinny-ass band put out last week. Autopsy is better. Gusten “Joachim Gwahlar” Andlös is a man who understands this fact of life. His perversions include pigs, bathing in clotted blood flabby folds of flesh. A man after my own heart that is. Being the outstanding fellow that he is, besides being Swedish, he has a band. Called Funereality. That plays death metal, “retardeath metal” if we were to ask the man himself, which we won’t.

Now you might have noticed that with a name like that, Funereality isn’t exactly screaming originality. And you’d be right. Because it’s Autopsy. Flabby Folds of Flesh, a demo released a year and a half ago, is not only the best sounding, most fun and entertaining and also greatest-est thing Joe-Un-Kim Gwaihir has ever been involved with, it’s also literally just a bunch of Autopsy riffs on shuffle. And I meant involved in.

Go ahead, click play. You know you want to. Come on now, be a brave little person. No, I’m not calling you a little-person. Jesus Christ on a cracker, just listen to the damn thing you pestering rodent.

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