Shirt Stains: Affliction Addiction
Get your bro on.
Affliction is a men’s and women’s clothing company known for giant, blob-like and skull-covered print designs. Judging from their aggro word-salad of an “About” section on their website, they appeal to the Xtreeme off-roader MMA types. It’s for people that like the hideousness and commercialization of Ed Hardy but need something with an edge. The company teamed up with a bunch of metal bands to put out limited edition shirts.
What’s up, bro? I was thinking of bro-ing to the gym later if you want to get your pump on. Nah, it’s never leg day for me, bruh. Chicks don’t look at your legs. They just like big arms and huge pecs, nahwhatimean? I’ve already pounded down some Cake Batter Muscle Milk and ate 5 pounds of chicken, so I’m good. I just gotta pump myself up with some sweet tunes. Usually I listen to some death metal like Three Days Grace and Seether, but lately I’ve been listening to some old stuff.
You ever hear the song “Motopsycho” by Megadeth? I was working on my Kawaski when it came on my iheartradio app and was like ‘Bro, this is like fate or something cause I’m a total motopsycho too!’ This shirt is motopsycho as fuck, brah! It’s got that badass spooky mascot dude. What was his name? Eddie Rattlecock or something. Giant skull-faced motherfucker. Hell yeah, it’s sweet. It’s got chains and everything. All the ladies at the Candy Bar are gunna be like ‘Whoa, who’s this hot dude with the badass shirt? I totally want to watch him do deadlifts and pop wheelies in the high school parking lot.’ Nah, it doesn’t matter that it doesn’t say the band’s name on the front. It says Affliction and that’s good enough. Only the cool people will know what’s up when they see me walking into GNC.
I don’t really know who Suicidal Tendies are. They got that song about Pepsi that’s ok, but I can’t really fist-pump to it, so whatever. Skateboarding is dumb. Get a pickup and roll coal like an adult, yo. I really got this one because it has a bunch of skulls on it. They look like they’re laughing which makes it even doper. It’s like “Death laughing at you” and stuff. That shit’s deep. Deep like me. Sometimes I just have these thoughts and feelings and I’m like “Whoa, I should write this stuff down and make it into a book and then make a ton of money and then my life will be like The Notebook.” You ever see that movie? I didn’t cry or nothing, but it was good. Also, I really like the mud brown color because it hides any bbq stains I might get on me.
Dude, this shirt is going to fuck your fucking cock up! Your junk is going to look like an Arby’s Big Montana once you’ve seen this awesome shirt. Yeah, I know it’s another skull, but this one is totally different. It has a cowboy hat on and the cowboy hat has barbed wire wrapped around it. Fuck, that’s so fucking tough I just want to get into a fight with someone smaller and weaker than me! As if this thing couldn’t be any more phat, it has two rattle snakes. Those are like the coolest snakes ever. I might get a rattlesnake tattoo on my lower back just so people can see I mean business when I do shoulder presses. You like horns? Good, because this shirt has four of ’em!
Just look at the back. It has the Fleur de Quebec Nordiques on it, some skull snakes, and pot leaves. I only drink Black Tooth Grins while wearing this shirt. I just shout “Dime!” at people for no reason while wearing this shirt. I do “Cowboys From Hell” at karaoke even when they don’t have it on the machine while wearing this shirt. I go to my Ultimate Kickball League games while wearing this shirt. Shitballs, if it’s ever legal to marry your shirt, I would get down on one knee for this babe.
Totally worth the $50.
Broski, if you dig America, this shirt is for you. It’s like Captain America rubbed his sack all over this thing and made it patriotic. If they raised this shirt before a Bellator match, I would salute the fuck out of it. There’s nothing more American than a stretched-out skull with the red, white, and blue on it. Hope you like stars, because this bad boy has more stars than the AVN Awards. I’m going to wear this shirt on the Fourth Of July while eating hot dogs and blowing shit up. If I can rent an eagle, I’m totally going to win the internet because that’s what matters. Gunna wear this for when we tailgate outside the Godsmack show. Definitely going to get the thumbs up from everyone. Maybe even get my picture in the paper. Thanks Affliction!