Much Ado About Nothing: The Kerry “Burger” King Edition

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Metalheads are a group of people who love to hate. We hate Deathcore. We hate clean vocals. We hate Rings Of Saturn. We hate Axl Rosenberg. I could do this all day. Like it or not, hate is a part of Metal and Metal culture. I would like to share some of my thoughts about a man that collects a lot of hate in the Metal world: Kerry King.

Despite the fact that he helped form one of the most influential bands of the genre, Metal fans’ hatred of Kerry King can be found everywhere. Check out any metal blog post about Slayer; the proof is in the pudding. The comments section is the only thing that comes close to hating him as much as he hates himself. You will find topics including but not limited to his Burger King addiction, his dive bar band of talentless hacks, and his inability to play solos. He is one of the most consistently ridiculed Metal figures, which is hilarious. Don’t get me wrong; I am a Slayer fan. But the only thing I love more than Slayer is ripping on Kerry King. To be fair to spiteful Metalheads like me, he is an easy guy to hate. I mean, just look at him.

kerry2

“Yeah, bro! Turned 50 in early June! Let’s ride!”

In the immortal words of Larry David, “There are two kinds of people who wear sunglasses indoors: Blind people and assholes.” The last time I checked, Kerry King can still see. But maybe it would make sense if he were blind; somehow, he has not noticed that the shades he wears 24/7 look like they were bought at some Godless gas station in Wyoming that has a case for combat knives and bongs at the counter, although I would bet my ass on a butcher block he paid at least $300 for them. I’m not even going to touch on the tattoos, they speak for themselves.

 

KKguitar

The Devil Horns is the icing on the comedic cake that is this picture. Rock on, brother!! \m/\m/

Of course, this overcompensating aesthetic comes with an overcompensating personality. He calls himself “Kerry Fucking King” unironically for fuck’s sakes. The whole financial bullshit he pulled with Dave Lombardo was a just a dick move, to make a long story short. As if King needs more money; doesn’t he get enough from Jaegermeister? Even if King’s half-baked retort about being “business partners” wasn’t just an excuse, a professional in the music industry should still step up, be a fuckin man, and be honest when they fuck over a “business partner” that contributes to their livelihood and legacy. If you want to throw professional jargon around, then fucking act like a professional.

And through these experiences, they form bonds, stronger, and harder than the rest.” 

The irony is stunning. *Rant Over*

Looks are only skin deep and personalities may not be what they appear. Many people set a musician’s personal looks and life aside to focus on the art itself without bias, which is an attitude I can respect. Let’s take Kerry King’s tackiness and delusional egoism out of the picture and listen to some tunes he penned the way they are supposed to be listened to; as Slayer songs. Some of the stuff that King wrote is great. Many of his songs got me into Slayer and Metal in general. King also wrote his share of horrid train wrecks. I’ll post one of each although I have lots of examples of both, because I know everyone has heard them before.

Reign In Blood is overplayed in the Metal realm, fair enough. However, this is the track on it that I feel had the most influence on more extreme genres of Metal. Again, you’ve heard this song before. King wins this round.

King’s other pennings such as Show No Mercy and Skeletons of Society are of my favorite songs in their respective albums, and I even listen to “Skeleton Christ” from the otherwise forgettable Christ Illusion every now and then just for the riffs.

On the other hand, King has wrote some of Slayer’s worst. As people get older they change. They gain new perspectives, new influences, and new insecurities.  When these things in a person’s life changes, so does the art that they produce. In the Mid-2000s (to be fair to King, that was a dark time for us all) King started writing atrocities riddled with juvenile, against lyrics and riffs that sound like they belong in a UFC video game. The intricate, imaginative, and dark pieces of artwork of earlier Slayer album covers were also replaced by his royally pathetic attempts of shock value. Whatever the reason, King started writing songs like this:

I’d love this song if I had a GED, worked at a Harley Davidson dealership, and smoked weed out of a Bud Light can.

I will always be a Slayer fan despite Kerry “Burger” King and how laughable he is. You have to take the good with the bad. A true fan can laugh at the bands that they like and rip on the musicians. And when members of our favorite bands are punishing the fans by not doing their jobs ethically and being dishonest, we have every right to be angry. Speaking of being honest, this post discussing my thoughts on Kerry King is not necessary. They can be summed up by the always exquisite poetry of RiotAct666:

Screw Kerry “Burger” King and his cover band!!!!!! Have fun playing the dive bar tour. Make sure the owners of that place help move that oh so heavy, spine breaking, pool table out of the way. And put it back after the shows over!

-RiotAct666, 2014

 

Do you have secret Kerry King-penned jams? Are you like me and have a shred of faith that at least one new Slayer song will be listenable? Is there something that The Government of France is not telling us about Varg?

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