Shirt Stains: Black Metal Friday
Do you need something to buy today for that ne’er-do-well black metal fan in your life? No, of course you don’t. They’re a weird loner that wants to revel in being a weird loner. They want to listen to their black metal bedroom bands in peace while cursing the world, watching Varg TikToks, and choosing not to shower.
But, if you have some sort of family obligation or an overwhelming sense of guilt and need to buy a holiday gift, what should you get for them? Vinyl is always a good choice. Or maybe a warped cassette? I don’t know, do black metal fans buy CDs anymore? You could go with band patches for their dork suit, but then you have to spend time on Metal-Archives researching every band and their former members to make sure they didn’t once play bass for a band called Hitler Tickler or something. Or, if you really want to dig in the misanthropy, you can go with this certified loser Shining flask and shot glasses.
Yes, a Shining hip flask and 4 shot glasses. Really, it should just be one because we all know anyone that has this does not have three friends to share bottom-shelf booze. And it’s not like you’re going to be celebrating anything when you bust these out. You’re not winning a custody battle if these are in your possession. No medical school graduation parties. This is strictly for drowning your sorrows before you go to Asgardsrei. It’s the perfect accessory to being an accessory to a crime.
It actually makes sense that you’d combine shithead Black Metal with a secret drinking problem. It’s like peanut butter and jelly, if peanut butter was garbage music made by a a garbage person and jelly was crippling alcoholism. Shining and being an edgy dork go hand-in-hand. Anyone else get the sense that this is merch made specifically so Niklas Kvarforth can use it? Muttering about “filthy casuals” and taking a swig of Absolut Mandarin Orange before heading into an ICA Supermarket to get some lingonberry jam. Seems likely.
So there you go. A little gift for the churlish black metal fan in your life. Try filling it with apple juice and see if they notice.
