Shirt Stains: Edgemasters Of The Universe
The edge is strong/ We will not compromise.
KK Teeny Weeny
Of course Destroyer 666 was going to show up on a list of edgy edgersons. D666 leader and poster-child for “Little Man syndrome” KK Warslut has been tear-assing his way through the edge-zone for years, with a fun little culmination of threats of violence just a few weeks ago. We covered it pretty well here if you haven’t read it. The band even has a loyal following of social media edge-kins with unironic names like “Goathammer” or “Lord DarkLord” defending their shittastic behavior with hollow excuses such as “666 is in their name!” “This is metal, don’t be a pussy!” and “SJW! SJW! SJW!”
So how does Destroyer 666 pull off their try-hard anti-Christian message? With all the subtlety of a Donald Trump taco bowl tweet trying to reach out to “Hispanic” voters. This shirt screams for attention like a toddler that wants a toy truck at Rite Aid. It’s literally begging any and all Christians (or possibly someone named Christian. Sorry Molenaar) to look at them and be shocked. “Please be shocked,” screams KK Warslut from his booster seat. Gaze upon our clip art upturned middle finger with inverted pentagram and be mad! Nice of them to mention that they’re Australian. I’m sure your countrymen and countrywomen appreciate it. You numbskulls.
Get outta my rowboat
For the past decade or so, Dez Fafara has gone to lengths to distance himself from his nu-metal roots. His previous band Coal Chamber was in many ways the quintessence of nu-metal: the clothes, the aesthetics, the simplistic songs, Dez’s whole “I’m so crazy I’m about to lose my mind” shtick. When Coal Chamber imploded, Dez ditched the goofy hair and piercings and moved on Devildriver‘s more straight-forward metal sound. Even when Coal Chamber reformed recently for a new album and tour, Dez was fairly uninterested in the whole thing. Had Dez completely moved on from that time in his life?
Nope! This shirt is proof that you can take the Dez out of the nu-metal, but you can’t take the nu-metal out of the Dez. Remember when it felt like every band’s promo photo involved at least one person flipping off the camera? Dez gives us a double-barrel full of attitude with this shirt. So anti-establishment! Much edge! Wow! I can only assume that this shirt was created solely because “Dez” rhymes with “Prez”. Which, y’know, isn’t really a word. Either way, he’s still polling somewhere in between Harambe and Gary Johnson.
Infidumb
Infidel are a death metal band based out of Baltimore, Maryland. According to Metal-Archives, the band’s lyrical themes are “Anti-Islam”. Great. Just great. Hey, maybe they’re friends with fellow anti-Islam chuckledicks Taake. I bet they take great pride in referring to themselves at “Infidel” like it’s some sort of badge of honor. Do I expect too much from a band with a guitarist named Unholy Tim? Perhaps. Perhaps not.
The band takes a page out of the birther playbook, showing President Obama holding a Quran and labeling him the Antichrist. On top of that, they show the first African-American President of the United States as inhuman. David Duke sleeps in this shirt. Ted Nugent is currently lobbying Congress to allow him to legally marry this shirt. Vince Vaughn is planning to make a movie with Owen Wilson and this shirt as three middle-age guys who don’t know when to stop making garbage movies. Infidel are 2edgy4me. No, wait, that’s a typo. I meant to say that Infidel are 2in-your-face-dumb-shit-racist4everyone. I hope they drop the pool table on themselves the next time they play Sudz Bar and Grill.
Who could it be now?
This shirt is straight all up in your mom’s grill. She’ll never know what hits her when she comes to pick you up at the mall. She’s going to be all like “Whhhhaaaaaatttt?” Man, it’s going to be so sweet. So what brutal band does this edge king shirt belong to? Cannibal Corpse would make sense since they have a song called “Make Them Suffer.” Suffocation has “Seeds of the Suffering” and “Cycles of Suffering.” Really, it could be just about any death metal band. What band is this? The suspense is killing me! Let’s check the back to find out.
AFI? Really? That was unexpected. Insert joke about their music making you suffer here. Someone in 2005 definitely got sent to the principal’s office for wearing this in high school. That person is probably married with a few kids by now. Keep that in mind the next time you hear Cayden and Haylee screaming their heads off in the supermarket while tat-Dad checks to see if Kraft Mac N Cheese has any GMOs.
Ugly and dumb: Two great tastes that go great together.
Slaughter The Prophets are a brutal death metal band from New York City. Their shirt is stupid. Their shirt is ugly. Their shirt tries to offend every major religion. Their shirt tries way too hard. Take that, religion! Slaughter The Prophets showed you!
