Shirt Stains: I Have Many Questions To Ask Asking Alexandria
Question 1: Are you also Chelsea Grin?
Despite my devastating indifference, Asking Alexandria have managed to carve out a little niche for themselves, nuzzling tightly between bands like Bring Me The Horizon and Of Mice & Men. I’d compare them to Chelsea Grin, but I’m still not convinced they’re not the same band. I have not, in fact, seen both bands in the same place at the same time. It’s like a Batman/Bruce Wayne situation and I refuse to believe anything different.
You know you’re old and out of it when you still consider a band that’s been around over ten years and has released five albums “new.” Stick around for that long, appealing to the angsty, swoopy-haired youth, and you’re bound to have some bad shirts. You’re also bound to make some shirts you’ll live to regret.
On this shirt we have what I assume are the band members in zombie form. Blueberry zombie form. It’s like Violet Beauregard meet 28 Days Later without the family-friendly charm of either movie. They don’t look like scary zombies, though a few look like they’d slide into the DMs of 16 year old girls on Instagram. Remember that year or two when all new metal bands had this type of cartoonish design? Hot Topic remembers.
Putting the word “shit” in giant ALLCAPS right where the wearer’s ass is going to be is either universal brain types of genius or as dumb as an Asking Alexandria lyrics throat tattoo. I’m leaning towards the latter, but hey, I could be wrong. What exactly is the so-called “shit” that Asking Alexandria loves? Is there a little fecalphilia going on? That’s fine if that’s what you’re in to, consenting adults and all that, but I think I want to refrain from asking Alexandria any further questions.
The tie dye trend in shirts from “heavy” bands is just so incredibly strange and dumb. On the one hand, Asking Alexandria have the good sense not to make it blindly ugly. On the other hand, why not just have a black or gray shirt? Did Jayden Sw!tchblade and Emily Embalmed demand a shirt that says “I hate hippies, but I’ve never met one and I like their aesthetic”? Peace, Love, And “I’ll tear down your gates with my bare fucking hands; And burn the world that you rule over, No matter how convinced you are you’re not a God of mine; You’re not a fucking God of mine.” Yes, those are actual lyrics.
I do get a kick out of the band referring to themselves as “Rock N’ Roll” like they’re Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. You do the screamy-screams and the breaky-breakdowns. Let’s not try to church it up. Maybe it’s a misdirection from the multiple band logos, the band name, leafy design, chain circle, pseudo-meaningful lyrics that get washed out from the tye dye design. Surprised they didn’t put in a few “fucks” here and there.
Ah! There we go! A shirt so in-your-face that it might as well replace any fillings you might have in your teeth. I shudder to think how many kids bought this and have no idea what it’s parodying. The switch from the original fist to a middle finger is somewhat clever I guess, but nothing can compare to the fury of St. Frantic’s redesign.
It wasn’t enough to leave it with the upturned middle finger like this was an Offspring band photo from 1998. No, no. Asking Alexandria just had to drive home the point with a ‘FUCK YOU’ literally spelled out. Maybe this is for their home country fans that prefer the two-fingered salute. They’re just being helpful! Those Asking Alexandria boys are so considerate! U WOT M8?!
We covered a more sexualized version of this shirt a while back. This is it’s tamer cousin, leaving a little bit of ambiguity. It could be about sex! It could be about bowing down to a king! It could be about praying! It could be about playing knee hockey! The possibilities are endless. As endless as the color schemes in your favorite can of Monster Energy drink.
Before we get into this, lead guitarist Ben Bruce has acknowledged the band’s early work was immature and their lyrics, such as the ones on this shirt, were “stupid“. Of course, in the same interview, Bruce also refers to “bitchy girlfriends” so a grain of salt on the bands’ new mature ways. What you see before you is a shirt containing lyrics from the band’s song “Not The American Average“. Lest you think that line is being taken out of context, here is the full lyrics. Classic Worsnop. I’ll wait for you to throw out your barf bags.
There’s no two ways about this: it’s gross and it’s wrong. It’s worth pointing out that the lyrics are actually bigger and brighter than the band’s name itself. ‘Asking Alexandria’ looks like it was added as an afterthought. I wouldn’t be surprised if people missed the band’s entirely when looking at this bitter, stangry declaration of ignorance. It’s not the main event of the shirt. The message is the most important thing to the band and the wearer. Don’t forget that. Take out the band’s name and this could easily be the preferred shirt for online incels and manboys. That shit belongs in the trash right next to Danny Wornsnop’s country album. Did the Ultimate Warrior teach you nothing?
