Shirt Stains: Iorn Miaden


Die With Your Bootlegs on.Iron Maiden is the band that can do no wrong. At least, that’s what obsessive fans of the band tell me despite evidence that, yes, even Iron Maiden can do wrong. How many times do we have to point to the Dance Of Death album art or The Angel And The Gambler music video? Even your faves can swing and miss. No one bats 1.000 forever. Still, there are those super fans that cannot bring themselves to even hint at dissension, even if the band isn’t actually involved. Up the irons all the time, every time! Well, maybe not every time. Especially with these Iron Maiden bootleg shirts.


You’ll take my eyes, but this shirt will take yours too!
I’m gunna vomit so you’d better move!
This is really ugly and incredibly whack
The all-overprint is on the front and back

The logo’s cut off where your head fits in
If you wear this on a date it’s a mortal sin
The smell of failure and Funions on your breath
Your social life is destined for instant death


Much like that Trooper shirt, this Self-Titled shirt is literally all over the place. One of if not the earliest incarnation of Eddie is featured prominently. Of all the different versions of the iconic mascot, this one, which looks like Eddie was just caught by him mum “rhiming his ancient mariner” to a Laura Ashley catalog. “SHUT THE DOOR!” Eddie yells, tripping over his bunched up pant legs, his mother leaving it open as she runs in horror. Eddie bangs his knee against the sink, sending all the toothbrushes flying. Sadly, we don’t get a shot of young Eddie sitting on the couch, mortified that he has to have “the talk” with his father. Of all the tales told by Iron Maiden across their decades-long career, this is the one that we’re still waiting to hear.

Oh, wow. I didn’t know Joel Grind from Toxic Holocaust was in Iron Maiden.

This looks like a yearbook page of all our good times with good friends. This also looks like something you’d find in a convicted stalker’s house. If you don’t want to make voodoo dolls of the entire band, this would suffice. It is pure, concentrated evil. No goodness resides within the cursed fibers. No poly-cotton blend. Just pain, suffering, and itchiness. Like, you’re not allergic to dust, but there’s just something in this damn thing that makes you want to scratch your torso until it is red and raw.

What? I mean…what?! Remember when I said the collage shirt was evil? I was wrong. THIS is evil. A putrid, vile, cursed piece of cloth forged in the depths of hell and once beloved by every Timmy, Tommy, Jimmy, Johnny, and Sully within the greater New England area. Nothing says Iron Maiden and heavy metal like fancy dog Tom Brady. The same Tom Brady that gets pumped up for games by listening to Coldplay. The same Tom Brady that is now on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, thus making this evil, putrid, vile, cursed piece of cloth old and out of date. It is now cursed to the bottom of a box in some dingy basement in an unnamed country that lacks stringent copyright laws and good taste. It can go right next to Tom’s MAGA hat. Woof goes the fancy dog.

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